I pick myself up from the floor again. I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror, my eyes look lifeless and my mind is buzzing and telling me how worthless I feel. But, I get up and avoid myself.

My bed caresses me, begging me not to leave it, and some days I don’t. I curl up in the safety of my covers and pull a pillow over my head to block out the words swirling inside of my head. I allow myself to drift off to sleep and I’ll sleep for fourteen hours straight until I find the strength to drag myself out.

My eyes are glued to my television screen as tears stream down, watching my comfort show, Friends and mouthing the words as the episodes play. And when I’ve completed the series for the forty-second time, I’ll restart it all over again.

My mouth remains sealed in fear of losing what was left of the people surrouonding me. I allow myself to drown in sorrow, over and over again, until I finally gasp for air because, somehow, my mind convinced me that crying on my own is better than staining a shirt.

My ears refuse to listen to those trying to help me because my thoughts are louder than any familar voice.

And again, I fight and I fight with myself because I don’t wanna be you anymore.

I choose to listen to people I love, telling me I’m beautiful and that I matter to them. I choose to use my eyes to capture adventures in life with the people I love. I choose to use my lips to press against yours and express the happiness that I am feeling. And I wanna be me, so I will be.