She said watching me fall apart was like watching a car crash, all she could do was stand there and not look away and it hurt knowing that she was right, because here I am in the driver’s seat.

All I am trying to do is regain control of the car, to avoid more damage in this path that I have set off on, but I keep swirving into new obstacles and they watch me – unable to turn their gaze. Until the side of the road has turned into a musesum of my own self destruction, for everyone to see as they drive by my life.

I’m somewhere caught in the middle of doing all that I can and not trying enough. Given my current mental and physical state, how can I? I’m the equivalent of putting a bandaid on it saying, “There….there..” when these wounds are not visible. As if covering them and ignoring them will make them go away, instead they fester more unseen.

But right now, I’m going to let go. I’m going to let my car crash, however it may, and then I’ll get out and assess the damage. Without so, I’ll keep destroying things in attempt to gain control over something that is lost.

So watch me crash and finally understand what it means to be broken and put back together again by my own hands.