I cannot see what others see in me, It’s a constant battle to stay above water.

I get told that I am beautiful, my eyes are such a rich blue and stare nothing but kindess back at them. I am told that I am funny, always able to joke around and make other people laugh especially when they are sad. I get told that I am a great person who is always there when people need a helping hand, a shoulder to cry on, some good advice, or to be picked up when they are down. I get told that I am smart and have a good head on my shoulders. All these things, and no idea how to tell if they are true.

Despite what I am told, I still hate myself. And how sad is that? To give everything that you have and more, to not be enough. I do not see the beauty that they speak about, or the brains. I don’t believe that I possess any of the wonderful personality traits that people asign to me, but I would love to.

Some how, it feels like I do not deserve the people in my life. And at some point, they will just leave. Because some day, they will wake up and see me as I see myself. I see myself as this mess, this mistake. This person who stumbles through life attempting to do good for the world and failing, over and over again. I see the ugliness in my temper, in my depression, in my anxiety, and even in my smile. And for whatever reason, I am fighting off the waves of saddness attempting to drown me. And it seems that I am trying too hard for the benefit of others and not myself.

For a long time now, the question really has been, “To sink or swim?” and honestly, I might as well just drown.