It’s taken me a long time to not feel ashamed of myself and allow my friends and family to know my diagnosis. Even then, it’s taken me longer to feel comfortable even using the word or stop hiding it.

I’ve lost friendships, lost family members. I’ve watched sarcasm go over my head, empathy be left behind, social cues not picked up on, and just not understanding people’s emotions or actions. I’ve hurt people’s feelings, I’ve gone too fair with jokes, I’ve taken things too seriously, and I’ve failed – every. Single. Day. I try, my hardest everyday, and I realize that it’s not enough for people because it’s a difficult situation to be in (whatever side you may lie).

Aspergers.

I am not neutro-typical, but I have been taught to mask it. I do my best to mask my mannerisms to live a normal life and maintain relationships. What does this mean?

I cannot read emotions on people’s faces. I don’t understand why people are upset or happy. I don’t catch on to sarcasm very well, often times it goes over my head. I tend to be more on the negative side, way too often, I hurt people’s feelings with my words. I don’t understand how to properly socialize and fail when holding conversations – even with people I’ve known for a long time. Sometimes, I need people to explain stuff to me or I won’t catch on. The only thing that helped me is mimicking social actions I watch and things taught to me in therapy.

I understand that my diagnosis makes me a difficult person. I require patience, reassurance, explanations, and forgiveness. I’m not built for everyone. I’m an emotional person, who often overshares (and expects other people to do the same), I come across as more mean than kind, and I’m hard to love.

But I am not a terrible person, having Aspergers does not make me a bad person. It makes me different, so don’t put neurotypical expectations on someone who is NOT neurotypical.

I care, so much about people. I reach out, constantly, hoping to hear about your life. I collect objects as gifts or reminders of the people I love. I’d go to the ends of the earth to help or be there for someone else. I always have an ear, if something is going on. I always have a place to crash, if you needed one or wanted to get away. I’d literally do anything for the people that I love or I would die trying. And if trying isn’t enough, than I’m not for you, because I will keep learning, trying, forgiving, apologizing, and changing.

I will no longer be ashamed, or hide, who I am. I’m proud of who I am and how far I’ve come. I am also, LUCKY. I grew up with the best pair of parents that a girl could ever ask for. Who gave me everything that I ever needed, I was privileged to be able to go through speech therapy, social interaction therapy, emotion therapy, and empathy therapies to teach me to mask. I am thankful for a group of friends who are aware of my condition, embrace it, and work with me on it. I am blessed to be with a partner who loves me regardless, works with me, communicates with me, and is patient with me everyday and understands what I go through.

I accept those that will not be able to understand me, want to be around me, or will agree with anything I ever do or say. That’s fine, but no one will be able to belittle me the same way anymore. I’m proud of how far I’ve made it, it’s a work in progress. I love myself and I am enough.