I didn’t plan on being alive this long, I’m only twenty- five. I couldn’t see past all of the health issues I experienced earlier in my life, I couldn’t get over the hospital stays, or the many different medications I had to take. I couldn’t see past the loneliness I felt, the unfamiliarity of my own father’s voice, knowing that I’d only see him a few months out of the year to only say goodbye again weeks later. I couldn’t see through all of the mental health clouding my vision, making life seem darker then it truly was.

Some days, I still feel all of those things and I cannot understand how long I’ve felt so dead, but I’m standing here next to you breathing, looking, and waiting to see what life could possibly have in store for me next. That’s what scares me the most, the fact that I could experience such happiness, or I can feel more pain.

I was certain that I wouldn’t make it passed twenty. I remember sitting there in that graduation stand, facing my family, and listening to the speech going on in the background thinking about how everyone else is prepared for their life to begin and I was planning on mine ending. May 4th, 2019 it almost did.

Trying to consider a future after growing up with this mindset, it’s damn near impossible. Talking about future plans almost feels like a fairy tale. Attempting to plan things months in advance brings me to hesitation. The worst part is wanting that beautiful ending, fighting for it, and achieving it.

Life after twenty for me is learning to accept a long life of ups and downs to finally give you that smile that you deserve, and be happy.