The other night, I dreamt of my late grandmother.

It has been four months since she passed, although I have grown around it, I still miss her dearly.

In my dream, it was as if she didn’t die yet. That she knew that she had cancer and she was living her life out the way she told me in the hospital she would, when she got out. She lost weight, she was active, never in one place for too long, she wanted to see the world with her family during her last few months.

We stood in front of the hospital, we were dropping her off since she was declining. She was crying, upset, but firm on us leaving her there. She handed me a credit card, told me that I needed to take care of myself and that she was sorry. She hugged me, crying, and told me that she loved me.

Naturally, when I woke up I googled the dream meaning. What the website told me was, I am looking for guidance and support. Which makes sense, one of my favorite past times is listening to her advice in her living room. She always gave the best advice and I need it now more than ever.

I feel stuck between content and unhappy. I feel like I am struggling to find the sunshine in the storm. I’m getting married, but no one prepared me for how stressful it was to plan a wedding, or have people tell me that they would help me when they have ignored my calls. I know it will be worth it in October, walking down the aisle and marrying the love of my life – but this road to it is so rocky.

Now, I have to imagine what she would tell me.

She would tell me that she loves him, that he is perfect for me, and that she is so happy to have him in the family. (She’s cried so many times, blushing about him, being so happy that I found him). She would tell me to say “screw it” to people who were giving me shit about inviting them, or having my wedding the way I wanted to. She would tell me that all of the trouble I am going through now, would be worth while in the end because my day will be perfect as long as I was setting it up according to what I wanted and not what every one else wanted.

She would tell me that the stress I feel from work, is only a bad day, and that everyone has bad days. She would tell me to keep pushing because she is so proud of me.

She would tell me to keep working on finishing my degree, because she knows that I can do it. It’s just hard starting otu but it will get easier, she would promise me this.

Somehow, I find comfort in that.