Author: looogaaaaaanwrites

Welcome to a collection of my thoughts, here is where I let my ink spill and learn to love myself a little more. I first started writing when I was in fifth grade to cope with depression and anxiety, and now every journal I own is filled cover to cover. I believe that writing connects people and I look forward to connecting with you!

Dreaming dead

On By looogaaaaaanwritesIn Dark skiesLeave a comment

I’ve always been a night owl. The silence of everyone laying their head down for the day has always brought peace to me. I can easily get lost in a book or even writing in a notebook by my window, looking up only to admire the stars. Sometimes, it’s when I am happiest.

And sometimes, it’s not.

Sleeping away troubled thoughts was an option I often took, but I am not always able to escape everyday life when I close my eyes because what I see after my head hits the pillow, is worse.

Dreams are when my suppressed anxiety and depression come out and disrupt my sleeping mind. It reminds me that it is so easy to dismiss the reality that terrible things do happen.

I dream of losing the most important things to me in fights, in break ups, in car crashes. I dream of dying by my own hands, by your hands, by freak accident. I dream of leaving, packing up, disappearing, not being able to be reached. I dream of not mattering, being ignored, being cast aside, having people realize that I am not as great as they once thought.

When I wake, I realize that these things are only dreams. That these dreams, should not matter. Not to me, not to you, not to anyone. Yet, they stick with me.

Perhaps, that is the reason that I cannot sleep, that I do not want to sleep, and that’s why I am awake so late at night trying so hard not to slip into another dream because the hardest part is waking up. The hardest part is remembering all of those things, and reliving it over and over.

Dreams are a possible reality that I simply do not wish to experience, it’s a warning, and I put my guard up once again.

The Art of Starting Over

On By looogaaaaaanwritesIn Personal writingLeave a comment

This is a strange state of mind for me – Ohio.

Within a week, I changed my entire world. I packed my apartment, I took my dogs, I changed my hair, and I left so much behind in Virginia. I was unsure if this was gonna be the beginning of the end or the beginning of a new chapter, I was skeptical. But, something in me just said, “This was meant to happen.”

Every single day, I think that I believe it more and more. I’m watching things fall into place and starting to see the old version of me, who has grown so much in such little time.

I guess, this is the art of starting over.

Stargazer

On By looogaaaaaanwritesIn Written in the starsLeave a comment

In the dark, I admire you as you gaze at the stars. The way your lips curl when I point out another star constellation.

It was peaceful laying there and staring up at the sky with only a few grass blades between us as I ignore the night chill soaking in my bones.

Listening to you talk, I got lost in your words and my body hummed with every accidental touch.

I never knew how simple it could all be, to feel so comfortable in your presence. Or how being myself felt like the only option, not trying to disguise the unruly parts of me.

You never looked at me like I needed to be or looked like someone else. You looked at me as if there is a twinkling gem. Like I was one of your stars.

Under The Tree

On By looogaaaaaanwritesIn Written in the starsLeave a comment

We meet again under the tree.

You pick up right where we left off and it gives me hope that everyday at sunset, you’ll hear the sound of my truck and appear around the corner greeting me with a smile.

The moment I see you…

It’s like a breath of fresh air. I feel so comfortable, so much like myself you see, I have been drowning for so long and you make it easy to stay afloat.

When the sun goes down, we part ways and I will wait to meet you again under the tree.

This Is Me Trying

On By looogaaaaaanwritesIn Written in the starsLeave a comment

You made it so easy

To laugh, to smile, to talk

I hadn’t had that in so long

I forgot what it feels like

To feel brave enough to welcome your conversation

To have hope

Why couldn’t have I known

That you were out there

all along, waiting

Maybe a year ago, I wouldn’t have let you walk me to the door

I wouldn’t have let you into my head

I wouldn’t have gotten to know you – but this is me trying

So, I’ll watch for your car down the drive way

I’ll ask you about your day

I’ll walk you to your yard

And I’ll hope that you’ll still walk over when you get off of work.

The Art of Starting Over

On By looogaaaaaanwritesIn Written in the starsLeave a comment

I waited for you on the porch swinging my backyard at dusk, as if I would see your headlights come down the drive, you’d step out in a tux and ask me to go with you.

I sat at my window facing the street, I look for every car that looks like yours. But they are all the wrong color. The window is slightly cracked and in the breeze I can hear you call my name.

I will keep searching for her, the girl that you saw in me, because she sounds happy. Now, I guess this is the art of starting over.

AS I am

On By looogaaaaaanwritesIn Personal writingLeave a comment

It’s taken me a long time to not feel ashamed of myself and allow my friends and family to know my diagnosis. Even then, it’s taken me longer to feel comfortable even using the word or stop hiding it.

I’ve lost friendships, lost family members. I’ve watched sarcasm go over my head, empathy be left behind, social cues not picked up on, and just not understanding people’s emotions or actions. I’ve hurt people’s feelings, I’ve gone too fair with jokes, I’ve taken things too seriously, and I’ve failed – every. Single. Day. I try, my hardest everyday, and I realize that it’s not enough for people because it’s a difficult situation to be in (whatever side you may lie).

Aspergers.

I am not neutro-typical, but I have been taught to mask it. I do my best to mask my mannerisms to live a normal life and maintain relationships. What does this mean?

I cannot read emotions on people’s faces. I don’t understand why people are upset or happy. I don’t catch on to sarcasm very well, often times it goes over my head. I tend to be more on the negative side, way too often, I hurt people’s feelings with my words. I don’t understand how to properly socialize and fail when holding conversations – even with people I’ve known for a long time. Sometimes, I need people to explain stuff to me or I won’t catch on. The only thing that helped me is mimicking social actions I watch and things taught to me in therapy.

I understand that my diagnosis makes me a difficult person. I require patience, reassurance, explanations, and forgiveness. I’m not built for everyone. I’m an emotional person, who often overshares (and expects other people to do the same), I come across as more mean than kind, and I’m hard to love.

But I am not a terrible person, having Aspergers does not make me a bad person. It makes me different, so don’t put neurotypical expectations on someone who is NOT neurotypical.

I care, so much about people. I reach out, constantly, hoping to hear about your life. I collect objects as gifts or reminders of the people I love. I’d go to the ends of the earth to help or be there for someone else. I always have an ear, if something is going on. I always have a place to crash, if you needed one or wanted to get away. I’d literally do anything for the people that I love or I would die trying. And if trying isn’t enough, than I’m not for you, because I will keep learning, trying, forgiving, apologizing, and changing.

I will no longer be ashamed, or hide, who I am. I’m proud of who I am and how far I’ve come. I am also, LUCKY. I grew up with the best pair of parents that a girl could ever ask for. Who gave me everything that I ever needed, I was privileged to be able to go through speech therapy, social interaction therapy, emotion therapy, and empathy therapies to teach me to mask. I am thankful for a group of friends who are aware of my condition, embrace it, and work with me on it. I am blessed to be with a partner who loves me regardless, works with me, communicates with me, and is patient with me everyday and understands what I go through.

I accept those that will not be able to understand me, want to be around me, or will agree with anything I ever do or say. That’s fine, but no one will be able to belittle me the same way anymore. I’m proud of how far I’ve made it, it’s a work in progress. I love myself and I am enough.

My Reflection

On By looogaaaaaanwritesIn Dark skiesLeave a comment

There’s a girl in the mirror who wears my face. When I tell her to smile, she smiles. When I tell her to frown, she frowns. When I tell her to turn to the side, she does. And I envy her.

She wears my face, my clothes, and has my body shape. But there is no depth to her, she’s a mere reflection. With a simple glimpse, her appearance could tell a story.

In the morning, she is sleepy. Just waking up after her alarm goes off. She wears my pajamas, she has my dark circles, and she yawns desperate to go back to bed and hide.

In the afternoon, she is distracted by thoughts inside of her own head. She changes into comfortable clothing, my leggings and my sweaters. She turns her pale skin and dead eyes into a colorful masterpiece. She smiles as I smile, trying to make it through the day, as if the concealer would hide the fact that she cried herself to sleep.

In the evening, she wears my tired face. The fake smile is tossed aside and the make up is wiped away revealing the sadness that lives in her cheekbones.

All she is, is a reflection of myself and still, I wish to be her. She is only a version of me, but she is one that doesn’t have to feel the way that I feel. She gets to stand there and smile when I smile. And somehow, it sounds better.

Sink

On By looogaaaaaanwritesIn Thunder stormsLeave a comment

It’s cold.

Every bone inside of my body, is frozen. I move mechanically, rusty, in need of maintenance. My head is cloudy, I can’t see anything but darkness and feel the flow of the water against my skin.

You would think that I would fight. Wanting to breathe, struggling to put my head above the water, to gasp for a fresh of breath air, to kick my legs with everything I have left in me. But I’m not.

The current is too over powering, I don’t have a life saver ring being tossed out to me. I have an audience. They want to see if I sink or swim. As if I had a choice…as if I hadn’t already made it.

I’m too tired to fight. I’m too cold, too numb to fight to see the sun light. I’m too empty to take another breathe. I’ve fought and I’m accepting loss.

I’ll sink, further and further.

I wish I could tell you that I cared, but I don’t.

Eventually, I’ll hit the bottom, and when I do, I’ll lay there.

Why Can’t They See?

On By looogaaaaaanwritesIn Dark skiesLeave a comment

I’m a note taker. That says two things about me.

I’m detail oriented and I’m organized. Long story short, I notice things. Whether they be as obvious as a physical sign in front of my eyes, or a change in tone of voice. I notice it all. I’m keen to catch on to, and hang onto, more negativity than positivity. It’s how I’m wired.

This means that, people come to me for advice, for a shoulder to cry on, for a helping hand – to which I try my best to be there, sometimes, over doing it. They come back expecting more.

I don’t have anymore to give. More importantly, I don’t know how to explain that to them, other than fail them. It’s a viscous cycle and it all begins with one question.

Why can’t they see?

Why can’t they see the anxiety in my eyes, darting across the room. Why can’t they see the depression in my voice and hopelessness In the way that I walk. Why can’t they see the tears so obviously streaming down my face. Why can’t they see the change in me?

When I can see the change in them…