No one prepared me for the heartbreak of planning a wedding.

It’s not the compromise, or picking colors, it’s not deciding who to put next to whom at a table. It’s not even who to invite or what food should you serve. All of those tasks seem – easy compared to right now.

It’s the aftermath of those decisions in the age of social media and absentee family members breaking their vow of silence. It’s the comments of:

“Would have been nice to be included.”

“My brother will be heart broken if he’s not invited.”

“Thanks for the invite.”

“My feelings are hurt.”

From people who don’t say happy birthday, didn’t grow up going to soccer games, haven’t talked to me in years (despite seeing me at family events), and couldn’t tell you one fun fact about me other than how we are related. Without a single congratulations from their lips.

But instead, they will beg me to allow them to have a plus one. I try to guilt trip myself into inviting people and telling them they will pay for the meals, drinks, or whatever is necessary to bring someone else. They will complain that they weren’t included or complain it’s in a different state than where they live.

And instead of saying thank you, instead of allowing me to live in my happily engaged bliss – I have to justify that my decisions are my decisions simply because I want them as so.

I have to remind them, this is my wedding – come or don’t. It’s not about the money, it’s not about excluding people, it’s about celebrating my future husband and I’s commitment to each other – forever. That I want an intimate wedding, small people that are an intricate part of my life, of his life.

And I lie awake at night and wonder why they couldn’t spare the kindness that I would spare them.

Because I’m not entitled to anyone’s life. That won’t stop me from being happy for them, that won’t stop me from telling them congratulations, and if I was included, I’d happily be present. However, if I wasn’t, that’s not going to stop me from wishing them the happiness they deserve.

My wedding, is not a family reunion. My wedding is not a party to bring your own ride home. Its my day, and I’ll continually fight for what I want because that’s all that matters.

No one prepared me for that, so I had to prepare myself. I will choose to say my peace and walk away.

I have a bad case of the Monday’s…every Monday.

It’s something about setting the tone for the week, that I think I struggle with the most. I want to set a good tempo, then one small thing happens that sends me tumbling down to the regular depressing start of my week.

I overthink, I try to be a perfectionist, and I expect too much from myself. I set my expectations too high, it’s unachievable.

I want a good week, so bad, every week. I typically pick it up on Tuesdays, throwing myself back into the flow of the week. I gain my footing, I keep going, I keep trying and eventually, that is enough for me. I just need to start my week off like it was a Tuesday, every week.

So tomorrow is my Monday redo.

The other night, I dreamt of my late grandmother.

It has been four months since she passed, although I have grown around it, I still miss her dearly.

In my dream, it was as if she didn’t die yet. That she knew that she had cancer and she was living her life out the way she told me in the hospital she would, when she got out. She lost weight, she was active, never in one place for too long, she wanted to see the world with her family during her last few months.

We stood in front of the hospital, we were dropping her off since she was declining. She was crying, upset, but firm on us leaving her there. She handed me a credit card, told me that I needed to take care of myself and that she was sorry. She hugged me, crying, and told me that she loved me.

Naturally, when I woke up I googled the dream meaning. What the website told me was, I am looking for guidance and support. Which makes sense, one of my favorite past times is listening to her advice in her living room. She always gave the best advice and I need it now more than ever.

I feel stuck between content and unhappy. I feel like I am struggling to find the sunshine in the storm. I’m getting married, but no one prepared me for how stressful it was to plan a wedding, or have people tell me that they would help me when they have ignored my calls. I know it will be worth it in October, walking down the aisle and marrying the love of my life – but this road to it is so rocky.

Now, I have to imagine what she would tell me.

She would tell me that she loves him, that he is perfect for me, and that she is so happy to have him in the family. (She’s cried so many times, blushing about him, being so happy that I found him). She would tell me to say “screw it” to people who were giving me shit about inviting them, or having my wedding the way I wanted to. She would tell me that all of the trouble I am going through now, would be worth while in the end because my day will be perfect as long as I was setting it up according to what I wanted and not what every one else wanted.

She would tell me that the stress I feel from work, is only a bad day, and that everyone has bad days. She would tell me to keep pushing because she is so proud of me.

She would tell me to keep working on finishing my degree, because she knows that I can do it. It’s just hard starting otu but it will get easier, she would promise me this.

Somehow, I find comfort in that.