The past few days, I have not been motivated to go to the gym. However, that did not stop me from showing up. I ran on the treadmill yesterday for 3 miles and today I chose to do ab workouts.

I also discovered another ad machine that I loved although it kicked my ass. I am proud. I also unfortunately got my period yesterday which was not the outcome I wanted.

I’m trying to remain positive and just keep going. Yesterday was a lot with answering the phones. I got a lot of price, shoppers and rude people which comes with the job I understand.

Today I’m just thinking about fitness goals. Because in the meantime, I can achieve those and I am proud. V should be feeling better and I’m hoping is going to join me at the gym tomorrow morning and for the rest of the week. I miss having a gym buddy.

Today when I was on the app machines in the back corner of the gym these two girls came up and they were so chatty and having a good time and I honestly resented that. Because I was there by myself and also because they were so loud I could not think straight And I was surprised that nobody asked them to quiet down or to leave. I just finished my workout and moved onto the bike to finish up for the morning so I wasn’t around them too much.

This morning, I was going to try to finish a bag that I started but looking at it now I did one of the straps on the wrong side so I am laughing at myself as I am undoing this strap and I can’t believe I didn’t pay more attention to it last night. I was trying to figure out why it didn’t work and now I know ha ha

I’m gonna try to spend the rest of the day laughing at myself because honestly at this point I think I might cry

I felt as if I had no sleep last night. I couldn’t fall asleep or stay asleep. When my alarm went off I cursed myself and rolled out of bed fifteen minutes later. Disappointment and my period came with a vengeance, all I wanted to do was go right back to bed.

Yet, I drug myself outside and forced myself to go to the gym. V is sick, so I ran on the treadmill for forty minutes. I made it 3.15 miles which is the longest I’ve ever ran on a treadmill. I’m proud I did at least something, but I feel it in my ankles now.

I had a dream that I was pregnant, it was a girl. (Oh the irony, right?) it was so intense. I had a dream that I wasn’t feeling well, I told my mom and she suggested that I take a pregnancy test, which came back positive. I was so happy in my dream and we celebrated. Then my pregnancy went by so fast and I had a girl.

I’m trying not to get down about it, but sometimes it’s hard. No one ever prepared me for this. Sex education made it seem like it was easy to conceive. I guess being an adult, and not wanting to have kids until now, I never truly gave it much thought. But these next two weeks are going to be a bitch waiting for ovulation.

Anyways, it’s Monday and I am hoping that I have enough emails, text messages, and phone calls to get me through the day.

Another lazy day down for us, but I feel like I accomplished a lot in my crocheting ways. I FINALLY got done with the granny square blanket I’ve been working on for months (the one that got put on hold when I decided to pick up the baby blankets). Here is a close picture:

Then, I immediately started another project (a smaller one, that my mom could sell with her jewelry crafts). Get this: granny square bag.

Now, I know what you’re thinking…it took me months for a blanket that I swore at every step of the way…why would I sign up for another one? Well this one I crocheted together and it looks great. It’s still in progress but:

That’s as far as I got within the six hours of on and off working on it. But when I crochet it into bag form it will look more like this:

But I’ll add straps, of course. It looks smaller than what I thought it would be but it’s pretty cute.

Although, I neglected to clean or fold the other half of my laundry today… I will have tomorrow to do that. I don’t regret spending my weekend any other way.

Now I am going to try to read a few chapters before my body deems its bed time because five in the morning comes early.

I think the most boring thing is having nothing to do all day. My mind is something that has to be continually occupied. Whether it’s by drawing or going outside and doing something.

At 1pm this afternoon, I announced that we had to go do something because I was tired of laying on the couch after I finished my final baby blanket.

We adventured out to camping world, where we picked up somethings we needed for this years camping season and debated on getting the lounge chairs I want. (Cheaper on Amazon).

Then we went to Dick’s sporting goods because I do not have enough sports bras to last me throughout the week between the gym and work. I’m honestly baffled by the cost of things now a days. $50 for a sports bra? And all it does is support not sing me songs. My cheap self, got the sale items and I have no regrets. I walked out with two new shirts and two new bras for $80.

Then we went to hobby lobby, naturally because I finished the baby blankets I was moving onto new projects. Except I do not know entirely what I’ll be doing. So I got a couple of different skeins of color. Maybe I’ll do a couple of hats.

We finished off the day being lazy because I got a raging headache that is still with me now… I’m hoping tomorrow I wake up feeling better.

Plant wise, of course. But I blame the shelf space in the bathroom and in front of our sliding glass door they look so pretty!

It’s possible my body is never going to let me sleep past 5:15am anymore. I woke up today, freezing and it was 65 in our house (something happened to our heat), and looked at the clock: 5:14 in the morning. Just 15 minutes before my first alarm was about to sound off.

I laid in bed until it did, then my second one went off and I officially got up. It wasn’t hard dragging myself out of bed this morning. I wonder if my body is getting use to its new routine after a couple of weeks.

It was my last gym day without V. I took advantage of the extra time I had by doing ab work outs as well… I just hope they don’t ache like they did last week. I could barely sit up!

We don’t have anything special planned for this weekend, but I hope we find something to occupy our time with. I don’t know if I could lounge in front of a tv all weekend again.

I have an Amazon order to be delivered today, a case, screen protector, case, a pop socket, and some stickers for my iPad mini to give it a little character and help me hold it better when reading crochet patterns or writing.

I’m pretty excited for it… and I don’t care if that makes me a nerd.

My body is sore today from the gym this week. Like I roll over in the middle of the night and grown because my triceps do not want to be touched.

I love that I went from hating my arms to loving arm day. I feel so strong and my arms look great in tank tops. I look forward to toning. Them more than they already are.

Leg day is probably my favorite, naturally. I think coming from a soccer background it makes sense. Squatting and lifting are where I feel most at home.

Tomorrow is my last day this week at the gym by myself because V will be back from vacation. I made a lot of progress since she has been gone.

I went by myself which I a big step for my anxiety and I used machines that I’ve never used before, which is an even bigger step.

I’ll miss the days where I went alone, but I am ready to have a partner again. I miss our chats in the morning about nothing truly important.

Today was a lazy workout day for me since I brought my girls (dogs, obviously) into work with me for restraint training with our new girl. I got up late, I was really dragging my feet getting out of bed and I ended up doing core workout for only forty five minutes in our home gym.

I ended up testing, it was negative. I’m still trying to remain positive throughout trying for a family. But I would be lying if I didn’t say it made me a little sad. It was an early test, so I’ll take it again later this week.

Work went by at a low speed. It helped having moments in my day where I could work individually with our new hire in gaining restraint skills. Luna, my Pitbull, is a sweetheart but shakes a little when it comes to being at the practice. She was perfect to restrain a safe dog and practice ear cleaning and injections. Nyx, my heeler, is more of the opposite. She’s a good girl at heart, but she does not like strangers, restraint, or being muzzled.

Luna gave her confidence to handle Nyx and when Nyx buckled, she knew exactly how to handle her and it was a mental victory for me. I even taught her how to get Nyx up on the table with a towel hold too. (Towel holds are for more nervous Nellie’s that you cannot put an arm around).

I felt productive today. Between work and coming home and cleaning the house. My soul feels better about things I cannot change. I topped it with lit candles…smells like a tropical breeze and I’m on an island.

It was the fourth time going to the gym by myself today. Although it is getting easier, I am finding more and more people to make awkward eye contact with. And I think it’s because I don’t have a buffer like a friend to work out with so my eyes are constantly wandering. Mostly looking out for the next machine that I want to use.

I’m proud of myself because I am not letting my anxiety take over. Some of the machines that are located in the front of the gym by the mirror are the ones that are most used in the ones that I have the most anxiety about using. I feel almost as if I am on display like everyone is looking at me. But I know that no one is looking at me except for the older man next to me who cheered me on.

Today is going to be a long day for me, I am last in, which means I’m going to end up closing the building. Which I don’t mind but our afternoon is looking rather empty. I spent all day yesterday deep cleaning the back and I don’t think that I have the capacity to deep clean the front in between the three appointments that we have. Although I would not be disappointed if some people got sent home early. Obviously not me because I have a nail appointment to tend to.

I’ve been thinking a lot about responsibility today. Mostly when it comes to responsibilities at work. I got to make the schedule yesterday and upload it which I have not done since my manager got back from maternity leave. I honestly missed having a responsibility that made me feel important. Not that being a training coordinator and writing reviews and giving reviews is not making me feel important. But I do feel overshadowed in that job rule by my manager and my boss. (Being training coordinator is not something that I got trained for. Or went to school for neither did they, but they have been in this business longer than I have.)

Sometimes I feel as though being just an assistant is holding me back. Like I can accomplish so much more if I actually went to school or did something. I’ve been thinking more and more about tech school because it’s something that I can do online and go at my own pace. It’s something that I am interested in pursuing. I’m just concerned that if I’m trying to start a family, I may have to put that dream on the back burner. Even though in the long run, it would benefit everybody. It’s something that I can look into.

I’ve always wanted to do more with my life and I feel as though I have not even begun. Which is disappointing considering I am pushing 30 now, but I understand that everybody moves at their own pace and that age is just age and nothing more and it’s never too late to go back to school.

Yesterday I realized I just sat on realistic expectations for myself, and this has happened for a very long time. Not everybody is going to know what they want to do with their life right out of high school, and if they do that can change at any point. So I’ll take into consideration of what I do know and accept that I am figuring out the rest as I go.

I want to be a mother. I wanted to be a wife. I wanted to be a good dog owner. I wanted to be happy. And I wanted to figure out my career and I will.

I am hoping for an easy day mentally for myself, and I am hoping for happiness and relief. I know that if I give all my worries to God, he will take care of them so I’m going to do just that. 

Today is the third day I went to the gym by myself. I can honestly say that it is getting easier and easier each time. Today I did chest and triceps. I patiently waited for the am home I wanted – but this couple took thirty minutes on it alone.

Eventually I was able to use it. Then a little later while I was looking in the mirror and doing tricep curls, I catch the female half’s eye and I awkwardly look away. She looked as if she was staring at me with a perplexing look on her face as I curled 20 pounds easily. I’ll take it as a compliment, otherwise I’ll over think it.

Tomorrow is leg day and then I end the day with a nail appointment. I’m excited to hit the gym once again.

I think I’m deciding to workout at home on Wednesday, I am CSR that day at work and I have to bring the dogs in for restraint training for our new Assistant. Luna is an easier person to restrain but Nyx will be a challenge since she hates it. But I’ll give her a mild sedative to knock the edge off a bit.

I haven’t decided yet, it’s either that or get up even earlier to bring them In with me. I guess we will see.

I’m exhausted after the long day that I have had (getting up at five to workout and be to work at seven forty five). I cannot wait to crash hard tonight and sleep in a little tomorrow morning.

I’m feeling, black and checkered nails?