I’ve heard the phrase time and time again, that things need to fall apart before you put them back together, and I never really believed it until now. I paid too much attention to attempting to look put together, instead of actually allowing myself to heal.

Healing is an ugly process, there are days where giving up seems easier than taking care of myself. I had a habit of laying in bed all day, not feeding myself, not excercising, not socializing, and not doing the things that make me happy… I didn’t realize how important small things were to my survival.

And if I can’t take care of myself, I cannot properly take care of others. My friends will get neglected, my family, and even my dog. Taking care of myself means that I can take care of others, and that’s important.

It makes me happy, eating good food, playing soccer, playing fetch with my dog, spending time with my friends, seeing my family, socializing over a cup of coffee – so, I’m doing it. Just because I feel as if I don’t deserve it, doesn’t mean that happiness shouldn’t happen for me.

Self care is a priority, everything else comes next.

 

Not everything in my life is perfect, but I’m thankful for the things that managed to fall into place while some were miss placed.

It’s nice to know, at the end of the day, there is a home for me. No matter what happens, I can still walk through the door, be greeted by my dog happily wagging her tail, the sound of laughter coming from the kitchen, and be held by someone who thinks that I matter, even when I don’t.

So I choose to let go of the things that I cannot control, all the worry, all the saddness, it doesn’t matter anymore. I choose to be happy in this moment and the next because nothing is worth getting upset over when you are trying your best.

You can only break down so much, until you have no choice but to rebuild.

I was standing on my foundation with pieces in my hand and destruction surrounding me. My home was nothing but a bare concrete slab and when my neighbors took notice, all they did was draw their blinds. It was then I understood, I was the product of my own environment.

So I left.

All I wanted was some fresh air. I ventured far off of the path that I have grown comfortable with and created a new one as I walk between the trees. I’ve been chasing sunlight and I get closer and closer every day.

I needed to hear the wind through the leaves, fell the rain on my face, and get distance. I was too focused on listening to the needs of others, but out here, all I can hear is my thoughts telling me everything is okay.

I’m quite certain that I will never go back, feeling the warm sun on my face, the sand underneath my feet, and the smile on my face, I am at peace.

I will not wander forever, eventually I will find a garden to plant myself in and thrive, but for now, I’d like to be here and no where at all.

You cannot truly see, until you open your eyes to things that you don’t wish to view and unfortunately, the world is an ugly place. This is something I have recently come to terms with, just because you want something, does not mean that you will get it.

The only thing I wanted was a place in this world. A group of friends to care about me and carry me through struggles, but I left. When I came back, it was different, I was different and I kept attempting to squeeze myself right back into a home that I out grew simply because it was comfortable.

Yeah, they are still my friends, but they are not my people.

Since then, I have found a new place to belong, a smaller circle. It’s just the two of us, sometimes three, and when my brother is in town, four. And as the months go on, we slowly accumulate more.

I’ve discovered that there is no where else I would rather be than riding shot gun and listening to a shared playlist and joking each other on the small things. Often times, we do not know where we are going, but we are all in the same boat.

I’m not going to lie, life is hard.

Everything comes with a price and often, people come up short. Rather it be on rent, happiness, or relationships. It’s ironic how we do not ask to live, and yet, here we are paying to keep living.

And yes, life can be rewarding, but it comes with patience and time. However, to get to a peak, you go through devastation, trama, error, break ups, loss of friends, death of loved ones, and so much more.

To be honest, it isn’t really worth it sometimes.

I will be the first to say that getting through life is not easy, BUT, it is worth struggling with the right people by your side because I have found that in my darkest times, they were able to pick me up and make me smile.

Without struggling through life, I would have never realized who was there for me and who wasn’t. I have met the best people during my biggest storms and I am glad to say that they are still here with me today.

So, the price of living is expensive, but the experiences that you have throughout it, makes it all worth it.

Keep track of the little things, good or bad, in the end, they add up.

Notice the way someone cares for you and how they react when you care for them. See the smile grow across their face or the lack of acknowledgement of you going out of your way for them. When you’re down, are they there to comfort you or are they there to boast about themselves? Notice the way that they move, it could be helpful but it can also be harmful.

Pay attention to the communication, often, it can become one sided. You can find yourself giving everything and getting nothing in return. Or, maybe, you’ll find a perfect balance. Pay attention to how they speak to you, how they speak to strangers, your family, and their family. Silence says more than verbal words do.

Look at how they treat you, both in the public eye and behind doors. You can treat them like a trophie and they could treat you like a secret. Look at how they treat your friends, look at how they treat your family, look how they treat your dog.

It may seem like all of these things, don’t matter but little things are often overlooked because, after all, they are small actions. In the end, they have a lot to say about someone. I’ll keep counting.

 

It was tempting once he came around, his dark eyes followed me everywhere and at first, it was only flirtation. The more often he’d come around, the more I felt drawn to him, he was like a flame that burnt out long ago without a trace of smoke.

I became infatuated with the thought of living in the darkness with him. Dancing underneath the moonlight, scaring others for the thrill of it. I was already hurting and he became my outlet to relive pain.

And when I was there, I didn’t understand it. Nothing made me feel better, not the knives against my skin, not the burning alcohol I poured down my throat, and not the pills I took by the hand fulls. He wore a mask, and when it was too late for me to turn back, he took it off.

He holds me down, covers me in darkness and I’ll sleep for hours at a time. When I look into a mirror, there he is, standing behind me telling me how ugly I am. He lingers in my mind, constantly taunting me and feeding me false information, forcing me to recluse into isolation.

He suffocates me with hot air in a panic attack. In my dreams, he gives me nightmares to live. He manipulates me into self destruction and self harm.

He thrives off of negativity and sadness, without it, he can’t win.

And when the sun comes up the next day, I lie there on the floor shaking from the night before covered in tears, alcohol, and blankets waiting to see what he has in store for me today.

There are times in my life where I have said too much, and then there are times in my life where I wish I could have said more – I should have spoken up.

There I sat in the passengar seat listening to you speak, not making eye contact, and I was shaking my head wearing a frown upon my face. The back of my throat burned with words threatening to spill out and every time I opened my mouth, silence filled the car.

I have something to say, I just can’t.