I feel that whenever I am trying to put myself back on track, that’s when things fall apart the most. It almost as if the universe wants to…balance out my karma before I get what I need.

I am working out regularly, eating right, and taking vitamins and probiotics to better my health. I got up early and then decided to work out on a Saturday. Sunday, we went to church, I took a nap on the couch and then decided to clean out my Leopard Gecko tanks.

I found out I got a bad bulb from Petco – Lumos is sunburnt. Not only that, Nox was begining to block. With one traveling cage, I brought Nox to work with me and photos of poor Lumos body and tail.

This felt like two blows to the stomach. How could I be the Exotics expert at work if my own exotic pets had health concerns right now? All day, I just felt sick to my stomach.

It’s funny how big something small can feel when you are not in the right headspace for it. With one look from my doctor, “We can fix that.”

That one sentence made me feel loads better than I did coming into work that morning. Things happen, I need to accept that and understand it is what I do to change it or help it that matters.

I changed Lumos bulb to a new one, applied SSD cream to his body and gave him pain control. Nox got sedated and we came to the conclusion that he has a Vitamin A deficency despite the vitamins I give to him in his diet – I added on a new vitamin. I can keep going and everything will be okay.

I just need the right environment and people surrounding me to handle these situations. I need to accept that I am no longer in the company of people who think the worst of me. Everyday, the guilt will go away until I will finally let myself be happy.

As it nears three o’clock in the morning, I lay on my back and stare at the ceiling. I was in the house that haunts me in the form of my younger self.

With each flash of lighting, a new memory comes to mind. With every crash of thunder, I am overwhelmed with emotion. With every rain drop ascending from the sky to land on the soggy ground, tears fall from my cheeks and dampen my pillow.

It felt silly, to allow these four white walls and floral curtains take me back to a time when I was a child discovering her art studio or creating a newspaper stand when almost twenty years went by. Now the room served as a make shift guest room, the toys and art work -even the children, were now gone.

It made me cling to the spot on the wall, where the dry wall is missing from me removing artwork. It made me think about the many hours I spent, putting drawings together with my cousins and taping them on the wall to display. It made me hold onto the one piece of Lego toy that didn’t get thrown away, while the chest of my childhood was long donated.

I longed for the basement days, where we would hide out sharing secrets, playing cards, getting into trouble, and passing out on the spare mattresses down stairs under an ungodly amount of blankets just to keep warm. The nights we camped out on the trampoline, just to gaze at the stars because even then, I knew they would lead me to the love of my life.

I thought about the late nights we spent, the television shows we binged, the inside jokes we had, and the growing up we did together.

Worse of all, it made me grieve for the younger version of myself that I no longer am. I grieved for the family I lost, despite them being alive. I grieved for my childhood hopes and dreams that were unfulfilled. I grieved for the lost time, as ten years had already passed.

The sound of rain drops steadily falling after the thunder passed, reminded me that these feelings are apart of growing up and some part of me has excepted that. But there will always be a part of me I’ll visit often on 14 mile.

It’s a waste of time being mad.

I was always told, “You are in charge of your own emotions.” For twenty-six years, I’ve found that statement true, as well as, “You are responsible for the actions that come from your emotions.”

Obviously, this is not something that just happened over night for me. This was years of heartbreak, frustration, anxiety, disappointment, and so many mistakes acting on strong emotions.

In that moment of anger, I imagine what I could be feeling instead. Instead of being upset, I could be happy and smiling or laughing alongside my friends. After that, everything seems so small.

I choose to spend my days happy.

I’ve reached the golden age where my peace is more important than the fight.

I understand that confrontation, disagreements, and mishaps will happen along the road, I can’t help that. What I can help, is how I react and how it affects me.

That being said, I accept the fact that I will be perceived in various different ways through multiple peoples eyes, through no fault of my own, it may not be the way I intend to come off. I understand that in order to be the hero in my own story, I have to be the villain in some one else’s.

Despite that, I will remain golden. I have nothing against anyone and I will continue to move bravely just as I did before because I’m learning to love the person I am becoming.

Lately, I’ve had this heavy weight on my chest every time a familiar face came across my mind or my social media page.

It makes me wonder what they think when I come across their screen, or they hear my name. Do they ask others how I’m doing? Do they want to reach out and ask how my Tuesday went? Do they wish me well?

Often times due to my anxiety, my mind tend to live in the past. I worry about things I say, what I could have done better, and why I chose the path I took. I revisit memories I had with those long distance friends.

It’s never anything bad, just missing them to an extent and it makes me feel guilty. I don’t reach out as much as I use to, I’m busier now than I was then, and being in two different states plays a huge factor. However, this is a fleeting feeling.

I’m not that nineteen year old driving around, seeing my friends daily, not having a care in the world about where I am or where I will be and not having true responsibility. I’m getting older. I have a full time job, a serious relationship, two dogs that depend on me, family that I see often, hobbies that I regularly do, and local friends to see.

If that’s true of me, I can assume that their lives are just as hectic too.

It’s not that we aren’t friends, we just aren’t teenagers anymore. It’s not that we talk less, it’s that we get trapped in every day life. When I remind myself of it, the weight is lifted. I have to remember that just because it’s a feeling, doesn’t mean we have to choose to keep feeling it.

Happy new years. What more can I say?

I’m not a huge participant in New Year’s resolutions or traditions, but I play along to amuse those surrounding me. I don’t wash my clothes this day, I wear a safe color of underwear, and occasionally, I’ll eat twelve grapes.

I believe that change is necessary but I, like the rest of the world, revert to my old self. It seems inevitable because old habits die hard.

So I, set myself up for failure and in a surprising turn of events – proved myself wrong.

Here I was, 30 minutes into the new year watching someone I disliked, entering my home. To which, my drunken mind, thought was unacceptable.

My home is a safe space, a haven. This person, was the last person who belonged in my basement because where ever they go, chaos followed.

I walked down stairs and promptly, kicked them out of the house with a devilish smirk on my face. She really tried, to bring chaos and I, met her with my own. Soon, I watched her turn and head out the door.

I have no problem standing up and protecting the people I love. Right then, I was also protecting myself, protecting my peace. And that’s when it hit me…I need to be able to do that for myself everyday.

Unintentionally, I ended up with a New Year’s resolution and I’m okay with that.

I didn’t plan on being alive this long, I’m only twenty- five. I couldn’t see past all of the health issues I experienced earlier in my life, I couldn’t get over the hospital stays, or the many different medications I had to take. I couldn’t see past the loneliness I felt, the unfamiliarity of my own father’s voice, knowing that I’d only see him a few months out of the year to only say goodbye again weeks later. I couldn’t see through all of the mental health clouding my vision, making life seem darker then it truly was.

Some days, I still feel all of those things and I cannot understand how long I’ve felt so dead, but I’m standing here next to you breathing, looking, and waiting to see what life could possibly have in store for me next. That’s what scares me the most, the fact that I could experience such happiness, or I can feel more pain.

I was certain that I wouldn’t make it passed twenty. I remember sitting there in that graduation stand, facing my family, and listening to the speech going on in the background thinking about how everyone else is prepared for their life to begin and I was planning on mine ending. May 4th, 2019 it almost did.

Trying to consider a future after growing up with this mindset, it’s damn near impossible. Talking about future plans almost feels like a fairy tale. Attempting to plan things months in advance brings me to hesitation. The worst part is wanting that beautiful ending, fighting for it, and achieving it.

Life after twenty for me is learning to accept a long life of ups and downs to finally give you that smile that you deserve, and be happy.

This is a strange state of mind for me – Ohio.

Within a week, I changed my entire world. I packed my apartment, I took my dogs, I changed my hair, and I left so much behind in Virginia. I was unsure if this was gonna be the beginning of the end or the beginning of a new chapter, I was skeptical. But, something in me just said, “This was meant to happen.”

Every single day, I think that I believe it more and more. I’m watching things fall into place and starting to see the old version of me, who has grown so much in such little time.

I guess, this is the art of starting over.