I think the most boring thing is having nothing to do all day. My mind is something that has to be continually occupied. Whether it’s by drawing or going outside and doing something.

At 1pm this afternoon, I announced that we had to go do something because I was tired of laying on the couch after I finished my final baby blanket.

We adventured out to camping world, where we picked up somethings we needed for this years camping season and debated on getting the lounge chairs I want. (Cheaper on Amazon).

Then we went to Dick’s sporting goods because I do not have enough sports bras to last me throughout the week between the gym and work. I’m honestly baffled by the cost of things now a days. $50 for a sports bra? And all it does is support not sing me songs. My cheap self, got the sale items and I have no regrets. I walked out with two new shirts and two new bras for $80.

Then we went to hobby lobby, naturally because I finished the baby blankets I was moving onto new projects. Except I do not know entirely what I’ll be doing. So I got a couple of different skeins of color. Maybe I’ll do a couple of hats.

We finished off the day being lazy because I got a raging headache that is still with me now… I’m hoping tomorrow I wake up feeling better.

Plant wise, of course. But I blame the shelf space in the bathroom and in front of our sliding glass door they look so pretty!

It’s possible my body is never going to let me sleep past 5:15am anymore. I woke up today, freezing and it was 65 in our house (something happened to our heat), and looked at the clock: 5:14 in the morning. Just 15 minutes before my first alarm was about to sound off.

I laid in bed until it did, then my second one went off and I officially got up. It wasn’t hard dragging myself out of bed this morning. I wonder if my body is getting use to its new routine after a couple of weeks.

It was my last gym day without V. I took advantage of the extra time I had by doing ab work outs as well… I just hope they don’t ache like they did last week. I could barely sit up!

We don’t have anything special planned for this weekend, but I hope we find something to occupy our time with. I don’t know if I could lounge in front of a tv all weekend again.

I have an Amazon order to be delivered today, a case, screen protector, case, a pop socket, and some stickers for my iPad mini to give it a little character and help me hold it better when reading crochet patterns or writing.

I’m pretty excited for it… and I don’t care if that makes me a nerd.

My body is sore today from the gym this week. Like I roll over in the middle of the night and grown because my triceps do not want to be touched.

I love that I went from hating my arms to loving arm day. I feel so strong and my arms look great in tank tops. I look forward to toning. Them more than they already are.

Leg day is probably my favorite, naturally. I think coming from a soccer background it makes sense. Squatting and lifting are where I feel most at home.

Tomorrow is my last day this week at the gym by myself because V will be back from vacation. I made a lot of progress since she has been gone.

I went by myself which I a big step for my anxiety and I used machines that I’ve never used before, which is an even bigger step.

I’ll miss the days where I went alone, but I am ready to have a partner again. I miss our chats in the morning about nothing truly important.

Today was a lazy workout day for me since I brought my girls (dogs, obviously) into work with me for restraint training with our new girl. I got up late, I was really dragging my feet getting out of bed and I ended up doing core workout for only forty five minutes in our home gym.

I ended up testing, it was negative. I’m still trying to remain positive throughout trying for a family. But I would be lying if I didn’t say it made me a little sad. It was an early test, so I’ll take it again later this week.

Work went by at a low speed. It helped having moments in my day where I could work individually with our new hire in gaining restraint skills. Luna, my Pitbull, is a sweetheart but shakes a little when it comes to being at the practice. She was perfect to restrain a safe dog and practice ear cleaning and injections. Nyx, my heeler, is more of the opposite. She’s a good girl at heart, but she does not like strangers, restraint, or being muzzled.

Luna gave her confidence to handle Nyx and when Nyx buckled, she knew exactly how to handle her and it was a mental victory for me. I even taught her how to get Nyx up on the table with a towel hold too. (Towel holds are for more nervous Nellie’s that you cannot put an arm around).

I felt productive today. Between work and coming home and cleaning the house. My soul feels better about things I cannot change. I topped it with lit candles…smells like a tropical breeze and I’m on an island.

It was the fourth time going to the gym by myself today. Although it is getting easier, I am finding more and more people to make awkward eye contact with. And I think it’s because I don’t have a buffer like a friend to work out with so my eyes are constantly wandering. Mostly looking out for the next machine that I want to use.

I’m proud of myself because I am not letting my anxiety take over. Some of the machines that are located in the front of the gym by the mirror are the ones that are most used in the ones that I have the most anxiety about using. I feel almost as if I am on display like everyone is looking at me. But I know that no one is looking at me except for the older man next to me who cheered me on.

Today is going to be a long day for me, I am last in, which means I’m going to end up closing the building. Which I don’t mind but our afternoon is looking rather empty. I spent all day yesterday deep cleaning the back and I don’t think that I have the capacity to deep clean the front in between the three appointments that we have. Although I would not be disappointed if some people got sent home early. Obviously not me because I have a nail appointment to tend to.

I’ve been thinking a lot about responsibility today. Mostly when it comes to responsibilities at work. I got to make the schedule yesterday and upload it which I have not done since my manager got back from maternity leave. I honestly missed having a responsibility that made me feel important. Not that being a training coordinator and writing reviews and giving reviews is not making me feel important. But I do feel overshadowed in that job rule by my manager and my boss. (Being training coordinator is not something that I got trained for. Or went to school for neither did they, but they have been in this business longer than I have.)

Sometimes I feel as though being just an assistant is holding me back. Like I can accomplish so much more if I actually went to school or did something. I’ve been thinking more and more about tech school because it’s something that I can do online and go at my own pace. It’s something that I am interested in pursuing. I’m just concerned that if I’m trying to start a family, I may have to put that dream on the back burner. Even though in the long run, it would benefit everybody. It’s something that I can look into.

I’ve always wanted to do more with my life and I feel as though I have not even begun. Which is disappointing considering I am pushing 30 now, but I understand that everybody moves at their own pace and that age is just age and nothing more and it’s never too late to go back to school.

Yesterday I realized I just sat on realistic expectations for myself, and this has happened for a very long time. Not everybody is going to know what they want to do with their life right out of high school, and if they do that can change at any point. So I’ll take into consideration of what I do know and accept that I am figuring out the rest as I go.

I want to be a mother. I wanted to be a wife. I wanted to be a good dog owner. I wanted to be happy. And I wanted to figure out my career and I will.

I am hoping for an easy day mentally for myself, and I am hoping for happiness and relief. I know that if I give all my worries to God, he will take care of them so I’m going to do just that. 

Today is the third day I went to the gym by myself. I can honestly say that it is getting easier and easier each time. Today I did chest and triceps. I patiently waited for the am home I wanted – but this couple took thirty minutes on it alone.

Eventually I was able to use it. Then a little later while I was looking in the mirror and doing tricep curls, I catch the female half’s eye and I awkwardly look away. She looked as if she was staring at me with a perplexing look on her face as I curled 20 pounds easily. I’ll take it as a compliment, otherwise I’ll over think it.

Tomorrow is leg day and then I end the day with a nail appointment. I’m excited to hit the gym once again.

I think I’m deciding to workout at home on Wednesday, I am CSR that day at work and I have to bring the dogs in for restraint training for our new Assistant. Luna is an easier person to restrain but Nyx will be a challenge since she hates it. But I’ll give her a mild sedative to knock the edge off a bit.

I haven’t decided yet, it’s either that or get up even earlier to bring them In with me. I guess we will see.

I’m exhausted after the long day that I have had (getting up at five to workout and be to work at seven forty five). I cannot wait to crash hard tonight and sleep in a little tomorrow morning.

I’m feeling, black and checkered nails?

This morning, I was really lazy. Typically on the weekend I am rolling out of bed by 9am the latest but today I laid there until 10am. I knew I had to get up right then if I wanted to shower and get some stuff done before my facetime date with my best friend.

I stayed up later than I typically would while watching RomCom movies with Brandon, and we ended up taking a nap yesterday, which threw my schedule way off. But that’s what lazy weekends are for.

Today, we woke up to more snow – have I mentioned how over the snow I am? And the weatherman told us it would just be an inch… Let me tell you how wrong he was. There is at least five in my front lawn and no one has plowed my street yet. My fingers are crossed that the snow stops and the plows get working so I can go to the gym and work tomorrow.

I cannot express how much I hate driving in snow. I am not a very confident driver in it and since I’ve been in an accident with it, it makes it ten times worse. I have full confidence that will will plow, but probably not until like 6pm tonight, that’s what happened last time.

Anyways, I am torn for what to do for the rest of my day. On one hand, I know that The Sims rereleased Sims 2 for PC players in the EA app (which I have most of the CDs but maybe this will run smoother?) and sitting on the couch doing nothing like yesterday. Not that I didn’t enjoy it, but I am running out of Ideas of things to watch and my hands are cramping from crocheting these baby blankets. (I’m finishing the third one for the fourth time now and then I have to focus on my last one!)

Crocheting baby blankets is just giving me the craving to make my own blanket; I know this is too soon for me, considering I have not had a positive test yet. But, I know it will.

If I take an early detection one, I can take it on the 19th, and I just might.

Anyways, coffee date time!

Short post today.

I spent all day soaking in the laziness of the this Saturday. We did go to Walmart to look for one of my want list plants – did not have it. But I picked up more Dr. Pepper Blackberry and stuff for Root Beer float that I had been craving. (Yes, still having cravings, 10 days until I can take a test).

I’m finishing out the baby blanket for my coworker (for the fourth time – don’t ask). But I’m determined.

Happy Saturday!

Confidence. This is a topic that came up yesterday when I was speaking with my manager in regards to some of my coworkers. The technicians that are there I feel like confidence and what they are doing and that’s why we’re experiencing a delay in getting our surgery, patients prepped quickly and into surgery for the doctor.

She brought up the fact that maybe I am right, that they lack confidence and she simply shrugged and said “I get that. I guess that I don’t feel that type of anxiety because I’ve always been a very confident person.” Which got me thinking about my own personal life.

I think in some ways I do lack of confidence. Like in my appearance, when I’m trying new things (like working out at the gym by myself on new equipment), and even at work when I am asked to make a call during the situation. I don’t think that this means that I am not confident, I just think that there are areas in my life that I do hesitate on.

I was confident enough to ask my husband to stay in the yard when I first met him to hang out, I was confident enough to leave Virginia on my own and pack up my entire apartment, I am confident enough to hold boundaries in my relationship, relationships, and value where I stand and not allow people to walk over me.

I think the difference between me and her is that I do not have arrogance. I know that I’m not always right. I know that there are better ways to do things and I know when to admit I don’t know or that I don’t feel comfortable doing something. That I don’t think she is afraid to fail because she is not used to failing. Whereas I have failed 1 million times and it does not feel good and that holds me back.

When I think about it, I do not think that this makes me less of a person. I think it makes me more human and I think it makes me more approachable and more accepting. I am not limited by arrogance. I am pushed forward by acceptance.

That was my big thought today when I went to the gym by myself. I went on for new machines that I have never used before and I used them correctly. I ran my best mile under 10 minutes and I am ready to face the rest of today because I will be coming home to a date night with my husband.

I feel beyond thankful today.