January 17th

Every now and then, I will have a heavier mental health day. I feel like today is one of those days.

Last night, I just felt so restless. I read a couple of chapters of A Court of Thorn and Roses, felt tired, and laid down after turning off the light. Then, I stared at the ceiling until much later. I tried to toss and turn, but it was difficult when Nyx lay on my blankets.

When I finally fell asleep, I dreamed a terrible dream, which stuck in my mind until my first alarm went off, and I snoozed it to allow reality to set in.

Isn’t it funny how deeply dreams can affect us? The most minor dream can change your mindset for the whole day. (Or perhaps you aren’t as sensitive as I am).

I don’t dream often; most of the time, when I have a dream, it is a goofy dream. Something that will have me waking up chuckling, and I’ll dismiss it quickly and shrug it off my shoulders.

Shortly after I got married, I dreamed of getting pregnant or having a child. My subconscious swirled with thoughts of a little mini-me. I’d smile thinking about it because I have always wanted to be a mother.

I have dreamed horrific ones following bad days at work, dreams of fluid pumps screaming, aggressive animals, and freezer kitties. One of them was that I watched up and hoped that the hospitalized patient was doing well that morning.

On other days, I dream about past traumas I do not often discuss for various reasons. These are the dreams that hit me the hardest, I struggle to shake these. That was the dream I had last night.

Sometimes, I’ll send my dreams to my best friend. She loves to look up the meaning of dreams to help me understand what is going on in my own mind. It’s fun dissecting apart our dreams like some kind of word autopsy.

Either way, I am thankful for dreams. It means that I got a deeper night’s sleep that I will be more refreshed and ready for the day to come. Let’s hope this coffee will improve my mood for the rest of Friday.

Janauary 16th

I’ll be honest, I am stuck on what to write. I want to write a thoughtout blog entry today, but there is not anything on my mind specifically besides the weekend. We have a busy weekend between my waxing appointment, dinner with Brooke and Tyler for his birthday, and then doing brunch with both families on Sunday. Just thinking about how busy it seems hurts my brain.

I enjoy weekends with relaxation, it is my time to renew my mind before taking on another week with a replenished head. I like taking a bath on Saturday mornings, reading my book and soaking. Then getting out, having breakfast, my coffee, and writing for almost an hour feels like it resets my soul.

I do enjoy spending time with my family as well as his family on the weekends. The last time we had brunch with his family, we ended up going to a coffee shop afterwards that also sold old antiques. We took the time to sit, chat, I enjoyed a matcha green tea and we walked around looking at the antiques.

That day I ended up bring home a pink antique cup, creamer disepenser, and handle to carry it for my Grandmother who collects it. She absolutley loved it and I didn’t pay too much for it either. I’d love to get lost in antique shops with coffee any day. It is one of the places that I feel most at home.

I’ll spend the rest of the day day dreaming of warm coffee and old books.

January 12th

If I had to tell you one of the biggest regrets in my life, it would be not moving to Ohio sooner. Which, sounds ridiculous, right? Why would anyone move to Ohio? The rows of corn and beans, strange language “ope” and being from Michigan is dangerous. (If you know, you know).

You see, there was someone waiting for me all of this time, and I had no idea. I’ve always wanted a fairy tale or something straight out of a romance book for a love life. I had gave up a long time ago when I met my Ex on Bumble, a dating app.

I was stuck in a bad relationship for three years. I’ll spare you the details because this post isn’t about him, plus if I am being honest, his story ain’t worth telling. So I’ll just say this, he was simply not a good person and I should have left sooner than I did.

Anyways, I had a chance to leave sooner. My father got restation in Ohio while we were living in Virginia and instead of me moving with them, I decided to stay another year or so. Now most days I wonder what life would have been like if I moved a year earlier.

When I decided to leave Virginia, I moved back in with my parents and lived upstairs. I felt like a shell of a person, beat up, chewed up and spit out. I had no idea who I was, what I wanted and where I was going from there. Since I left my job on a whim, I had nothing lined up here so I spent a lot of time listening to music and sitting outside with my dogs. (And yes, I took the dogs).

I was trying to focus on anything but myself. Plus, Nyx is a blue heeler who required a lot of energy excertion. I was teaching her how to retrieve a frisbee and I was playing fetch with Luna, my pitbull, and her chuck it between throws.

Mentally, I had given up on everything. I had no prospects in dating, and I barely knew what I was going to do to thrive here. I was preparing to accept Ohio as a soft landing and eventually leaving to go live in Michigan where my brother and the rest of my family lived.

Have you ever heard the saying, “You’ll find love when you stop looking?” because I know know this as true. From the moment the neighbor dogs wandered into my backyard and greeted me (As they typically did, I had treats on me while I was training) and instead of the mother or step-father walked through the yard to yank them over – Brandon walked through the trees in the clearing.

I cannot tell you how I earned the courage to tell him to let the dogs play because Hank and Nyx were best friends, or even muster the courage to ask him questions about himself. We were only out there for a few hours, but I felt like my spark was relite that day.

Somehow, it became an unspoken rule of ours, to meet after I got off of work while the sun was setting and let the dogs run around and play. Each time we were outside for longer and longer. When the star shined bright above us, We sat down and looked up constellations. I fell in love with him that night.

The boy next door would ask me to watch movies with him, ask me for my number, and take me on our first date. When October hit, he asked me to be his girlfriend, on our two year anniversary, he asked me to marry him. On our third anniversary, we got married.

Some days it is hard for me to wrap around my head how perfect our love story is, but every day I am grateful for it.

Still, I imagine some days what it would have been like meeting him a year earlier, maybe dating him sooner. However, maybe we weren’t where we needed to be mentally and physically to meet. It was fate, I have to trust it’s timing.

Now, I do not think of moving out of Ohio. (Maybe one day, but we will see). The rows of corn, snow storms, ridiclous football teams, and all of this space – doesn’t seem too bad.

Ohio gave me the love of my life, and I’ll spend the rest of my life being thankful for him. And with that, I am hopping off to go get my morning cup of coffee in my ridiclously cute valentines day mug (Thanks Target)!

January 11th

I believe that it’s possible to meet the same person in different forms. I was thinking about this the other day when I was thinking about music reminding me of people from my past. I’m sure I just attract similar people because that is who my circle is.

I met one of my friends at work, she is very similar to a friend I had growing up. Everything including the red hair, spicy attitude, and same music taste. She brings out the goofiness in me and the strength. She allows me to let loose and be myself and then she cheers me on when I stand up for myself.

My new friend understood what it meant to be in a friend in the hardest of situations and stuck by me every step of the way, including beside me on my wedding day.

I met another friend through Brandon, a girlfriend of one of his friends. She is bold, caring, and makes sure that I am included in everything that is happening around me and if I’m not, she makes sure that I am okay. She has cried with me during health issues, she has stuck by me when older friends have faded away, and she helps me boost my confidence by putting me in situations I won’t do on my own. She stuck by my side when I shook my ass on stage in Kentucky during my bachlorette trip and she stuck by my side on my wedding day as well.

My new friend knew when to stick by me through guys, trouble, and drama inside of the group and never once did she turn her back on me. I never turned my back on her, I held her hand and checked on her during harder times, she is truly like a sister to me.

Even though I see similar faces from my past, with only the good parts attached, I am still grateful for the friends that I have held onto since grade school. Who I grew up with and matured with. Who saw the worst in me and still choose to stay.

My best friend, since 4th grade has been with me all of this time. We still keep in contact, we keep each other up to date on things going on. She is in schooling and helping manage a family restaurant, I am so proud of her. She cheers me on with my work ethic and is so excited to watch my family grow.

My other friend, he has been there since high school but he supported me in person at almost every soccer home game and I support him during his tennis matches. He is now in the service and flew down with his girl to watch me walk down the aisle. I’m so grateful for them.

I cannot imagine life without them. I am so grateful that I found the right souls to match mine, in whatever form. I can never thank them enough.