It was the fourth time going to the gym by myself today. Although it is getting easier, I am finding more and more people to make awkward eye contact with. And I think it’s because I don’t have a buffer like a friend to work out with so my eyes are constantly wandering. Mostly looking out for the next machine that I want to use.

I’m proud of myself because I am not letting my anxiety take over. Some of the machines that are located in the front of the gym by the mirror are the ones that are most used in the ones that I have the most anxiety about using. I feel almost as if I am on display like everyone is looking at me. But I know that no one is looking at me except for the older man next to me who cheered me on.

Today is going to be a long day for me, I am last in, which means I’m going to end up closing the building. Which I don’t mind but our afternoon is looking rather empty. I spent all day yesterday deep cleaning the back and I don’t think that I have the capacity to deep clean the front in between the three appointments that we have. Although I would not be disappointed if some people got sent home early. Obviously not me because I have a nail appointment to tend to.

I’ve been thinking a lot about responsibility today. Mostly when it comes to responsibilities at work. I got to make the schedule yesterday and upload it which I have not done since my manager got back from maternity leave. I honestly missed having a responsibility that made me feel important. Not that being a training coordinator and writing reviews and giving reviews is not making me feel important. But I do feel overshadowed in that job rule by my manager and my boss. (Being training coordinator is not something that I got trained for. Or went to school for neither did they, but they have been in this business longer than I have.)

Sometimes I feel as though being just an assistant is holding me back. Like I can accomplish so much more if I actually went to school or did something. I’ve been thinking more and more about tech school because it’s something that I can do online and go at my own pace. It’s something that I am interested in pursuing. I’m just concerned that if I’m trying to start a family, I may have to put that dream on the back burner. Even though in the long run, it would benefit everybody. It’s something that I can look into.

I’ve always wanted to do more with my life and I feel as though I have not even begun. Which is disappointing considering I am pushing 30 now, but I understand that everybody moves at their own pace and that age is just age and nothing more and it’s never too late to go back to school.

Yesterday I realized I just sat on realistic expectations for myself, and this has happened for a very long time. Not everybody is going to know what they want to do with their life right out of high school, and if they do that can change at any point. So I’ll take into consideration of what I do know and accept that I am figuring out the rest as I go.

I want to be a mother. I wanted to be a wife. I wanted to be a good dog owner. I wanted to be happy. And I wanted to figure out my career and I will.

I am hoping for an easy day mentally for myself, and I am hoping for happiness and relief. I know that if I give all my worries to God, he will take care of them so I’m going to do just that.