I can’t breathe. Yet, my chest expanded and contracted as quickly as my racing thoughts.

I need air. My brain continued panicking and not taking in the readily available crisp November air. My lungs burned, begging to return to a steady state.

I can’t breathe. The loop ensued over and over again. It was like the rest of my body couldn’t comprehend what was happening.

Air. Air. All I really needed in the moment was to calm my nervous system down.

Because I could breathe. I could feel the air around me, causing my cheeks to turn slightly pink in the cold. I could feel the ground now hitting my knees, then hands, as I clawed at my throat to take in oxygen. My heart raced, pounding hard in my chest I swore it was going to tear a hole in my favorite sweater.

Helpless, is what I felt. I tried to glance around reaching out for a second hand. All that surrounded me was a blur. A sea of people passing me by, watching as I sink and not even bothering to throw me a life jacket.

I felt as if I was on display, for all to watch, point and laugh. But also, as if I were invisible, where I struggled in silence with no hope.

When my body gave out, I lie there on the could concrete staring out. Shallowly breathing, gasping, shaking. Stuck in the fetal position, I was forced to think about my life.

I could not continue this way, in waves of panic. However, they always brought me moments of clarity. I don’t wanna be you anymore – So I won’t.

I have the strength, to stand back up again. I lift my shoulders off the ground. I am not afraid, I pull my legs back underneath me. I will be okay, I push to stand back up.

This panic, is not who I am. This was simply who I use to be, who I never will again.

I’ve found my air, now, I am breathing steady.