Author: looogaaaaaanwrites

Welcome to a collection of my thoughts, here is where I let my ink spill and learn to love myself a little more. I first started writing when I was in fifth grade to cope with depression and anxiety, and now every journal I own is filled cover to cover. I believe that writing connects people and I look forward to connecting with you!

Life past twenty

On By looogaaaaaanwritesIn Personal writingLeave a comment

I didn’t plan on being alive this long, I’m only twenty- five. I couldn’t see past all of the health issues I experienced earlier in my life, I couldn’t get over the hospital stays, or the many different medications I had to take. I couldn’t see past the loneliness I felt, the unfamiliarity of my own father’s voice, knowing that I’d only see him a few months out of the year to only say goodbye again weeks later. I couldn’t see through all of the mental health clouding my vision, making life seem darker then it truly was.

Some days, I still feel all of those things and I cannot understand how long I’ve felt so dead, but I’m standing here next to you breathing, looking, and waiting to see what life could possibly have in store for me next. That’s what scares me the most, the fact that I could experience such happiness, or I can feel more pain.

I was certain that I wouldn’t make it passed twenty. I remember sitting there in that graduation stand, facing my family, and listening to the speech going on in the background thinking about how everyone else is prepared for their life to begin and I was planning on mine ending. May 4th, 2019 it almost did.

Trying to consider a future after growing up with this mindset, it’s damn near impossible. Talking about future plans almost feels like a fairy tale. Attempting to plan things months in advance brings me to hesitation. The worst part is wanting that beautiful ending, fighting for it, and achieving it.

Life after twenty for me is learning to accept a long life of ups and downs to finally give you that smile that you deserve, and be happy.

Breakfast in bed

On By looogaaaaaanwritesIn Written in the starsLeave a comment

It’s overwhelming trying to get use to new behavior, when you’ve become so accused to distinct behavior. Especially when you’ve allowed your mind to live in a state where you anticipated that blow to the gut. Being disappointed, hurt, or cast aside were a constant place that I quite often visited – I even learned to predict it and that negativity would wash over me, I was use to drowning.

I thought that when I let go, I would just have to live with the fact that I was not enough. I was the girl who would gladly lend a hand when I saw that you were struggling, to support you in every way that you needed, to do those little things to try to impress you, and to try, no matter what the situation was, to make it work, just to make you happy.

In return, I would get one good day where I made someone happy, or remotely close to it. For me to ask for anything more than that, was too much of a hassle or rather, it was too hard to make me happy. I accepted this. I can’t open my mouth when my feelings got hurt, I was the bad guy, and I became too hard to love. I was not someone who deserved to be loved the way that I loved you.

I let go and walked away, taking away these small trauma responses. I flinch when someone picks up their hands, I apologize when I spill my drink in the house, I panic when my dogs get a little too loud or anxious, and I am continually comparing myself to other people surrounding me.

To be loved again, is one thing that I have been struggling with. Because how I am suppose to explain that raised voices terrify me, how I yank my sleeves down further to make sure every inch of my skin is covered or wandering eyes will make me panic, how am I suppose to understand that my little mistakes aren’t a big deal, how am I suppose to untrained my brain to think the worst of everything and how am I suppose to allow you to love me when I don’t even love myself – Better yet, how am I going to allow you to convince me that I am not hard to love? All of these things, make you so sad for me and the person I was before I met you. Since then, I’ve been fighting to be someone different and It’s never easy.

Because today, I woke up to breakfast in bed. Because on my birthday, I walked out to a balloon attached to my truck. Because on Wednesday, I got a reminder paragraph about how loved I am. Because when I was uncomfortable, you took me home and made me feel safe. Because on a Thursday, I got a thoughtful gift of our night under the stars. Because when I accidentally make a mess, you laugh with me and clean it up.

Despite me believing that I am not enough, that I don’t deserve those things – you refused to hear it and instead, was patient and kind. All because you wanted to see my smile, you wanted that ruby red kiss on your cheek to wear the whole night, and you wanted to show me off instead of me hiding in the shadows.

It’s overwhelming to reprogram myself to think positive thoughts and not get stuck inside of my head. But because of you, I can change.

Little things

On By looogaaaaaanwritesIn Written in the starsLeave a comment

The unrealistic romance aspect of television and books, ruined the idea of love for me. At such a young age, I was taught that love came as easy as it did on the movie screen and as quick as finishing a two hundred page chapter book – then crashed into the reality that romance like that, only came with a written story line.

So it never mattered me what cliché my friends tried to live out with their relationship tragedies, because I didn’t wish to be apart of it, I just wanted to make it through another week.

The bitter aspect towards romance stories, no matter who wrote them, stuck with me and I created a stubbornness about me that never allowed such behavior. I couldn’t take compliments, I couldn’t accept dates, and I ignored feelings and allowed them to just go away with time.

And then I met you. Those feelings, couldn’t be pushed down, I had to see you. I only spoke to you a half an hour, but I wanted to hear your voice.

I had no idea how I wanted to be loved until you showed me. You took this stubborn, shy, insecure girl and you made her into someone who is confident, outgoing, and happy.

It wasn’t the things you bought me, the places you took me, or anything that you did for me. It was the little things.

You listened to me when I spoke, remembering small details. You always told me how beautiful you thought I was, every day, even when I fought back. You picked up on my fidgeting, you subsided my anxiety just by holding my hand. When I look away and back to you, the way you look at me, like I’m all that you ever see. The small gestures, like a balloon on my truck for my birthday. The little things that made it so easy to fall in love with you.

I never knew how much love I was capable of reciprocating when I loved myself too. I could send a paragraph to make you smile when you wake up. I could drop by your favorite ice cream out of the blue. I could pick up a pendent that’s reminds me of you and make a necklace out of it. I could remind you how handsome you are and how amazing you are to me.

Maybe Nicolas Sparks can write a better love story and perhaps James Cameron can direct the perfect scenes – but our love story belongs in the stars, just as much as theirs.

Dreaming dead

On By looogaaaaaanwritesIn Dark skiesLeave a comment

I’ve always been a night owl. The silence of everyone laying their head down for the day has always brought peace to me. I can easily get lost in a book or even writing in a notebook by my window, looking up only to admire the stars. Sometimes, it’s when I am happiest.

And sometimes, it’s not.

Sleeping away troubled thoughts was an option I often took, but I am not always able to escape everyday life when I close my eyes because what I see after my head hits the pillow, is worse.

Dreams are when my suppressed anxiety and depression come out and disrupt my sleeping mind. It reminds me that it is so easy to dismiss the reality that terrible things do happen.

I dream of losing the most important things to me in fights, in break ups, in car crashes. I dream of dying by my own hands, by your hands, by freak accident. I dream of leaving, packing up, disappearing, not being able to be reached. I dream of not mattering, being ignored, being cast aside, having people realize that I am not as great as they once thought.

When I wake, I realize that these things are only dreams. That these dreams, should not matter. Not to me, not to you, not to anyone. Yet, they stick with me.

Perhaps, that is the reason that I cannot sleep, that I do not want to sleep, and that’s why I am awake so late at night trying so hard not to slip into another dream because the hardest part is waking up. The hardest part is remembering all of those things, and reliving it over and over.

Dreams are a possible reality that I simply do not wish to experience, it’s a warning, and I put my guard up once again.

The Art of Starting Over

On By looogaaaaaanwritesIn Personal writingLeave a comment

This is a strange state of mind for me – Ohio.

Within a week, I changed my entire world. I packed my apartment, I took my dogs, I changed my hair, and I left so much behind in Virginia. I was unsure if this was gonna be the beginning of the end or the beginning of a new chapter, I was skeptical. But, something in me just said, “This was meant to happen.”

Every single day, I think that I believe it more and more. I’m watching things fall into place and starting to see the old version of me, who has grown so much in such little time.

I guess, this is the art of starting over.

Stargazer

On By looogaaaaaanwritesIn Written in the starsLeave a comment

In the dark, I admire you as you gaze at the stars. The way your lips curl when I point out another star constellation.

It was peaceful laying there and staring up at the sky with only a few grass blades between us as I ignore the night chill soaking in my bones.

Listening to you talk, I got lost in your words and my body hummed with every accidental touch.

I never knew how simple it could all be, to feel so comfortable in your presence. Or how being myself felt like the only option, not trying to disguise the unruly parts of me.

You never looked at me like I needed to be or looked like someone else. You looked at me as if there is a twinkling gem. Like I was one of your stars.

Under The Tree

On By looogaaaaaanwritesIn Written in the starsLeave a comment

We meet again under the tree.

You pick up right where we left off and it gives me hope that everyday at sunset, you’ll hear the sound of my truck and appear around the corner greeting me with a smile.

The moment I see you…

It’s like a breath of fresh air. I feel so comfortable, so much like myself you see, I have been drowning for so long and you make it easy to stay afloat.

When the sun goes down, we part ways and I will wait to meet you again under the tree.

This Is Me Trying

On By looogaaaaaanwritesIn Written in the starsLeave a comment

You made it so easy

To laugh, to smile, to talk

I hadn’t had that in so long

I forgot what it feels like

To feel brave enough to welcome your conversation

To have hope

Why couldn’t have I known

That you were out there

all along, waiting

Maybe a year ago, I wouldn’t have let you walk me to the door

I wouldn’t have let you into my head

I wouldn’t have gotten to know you – but this is me trying

So, I’ll watch for your car down the drive way

I’ll ask you about your day

I’ll walk you to your yard

And I’ll hope that you’ll still walk over when you get off of work.

The Art of Starting Over

On By looogaaaaaanwritesIn Written in the starsLeave a comment

I waited for you on the porch swinging my backyard at dusk, as if I would see your headlights come down the drive, you’d step out in a tux and ask me to go with you.

I sat at my window facing the street, I look for every car that looks like yours. But they are all the wrong color. The window is slightly cracked and in the breeze I can hear you call my name.

I will keep searching for her, the girl that you saw in me, because she sounds happy. Now, I guess this is the art of starting over.

AS I am

On By looogaaaaaanwritesIn Personal writingLeave a comment

It’s taken me a long time to not feel ashamed of myself and allow my friends and family to know my diagnosis. Even then, it’s taken me longer to feel comfortable even using the word or stop hiding it.

I’ve lost friendships, lost family members. I’ve watched sarcasm go over my head, empathy be left behind, social cues not picked up on, and just not understanding people’s emotions or actions. I’ve hurt people’s feelings, I’ve gone too fair with jokes, I’ve taken things too seriously, and I’ve failed – every. Single. Day. I try, my hardest everyday, and I realize that it’s not enough for people because it’s a difficult situation to be in (whatever side you may lie).

Aspergers.

I am not neutro-typical, but I have been taught to mask it. I do my best to mask my mannerisms to live a normal life and maintain relationships. What does this mean?

I cannot read emotions on people’s faces. I don’t understand why people are upset or happy. I don’t catch on to sarcasm very well, often times it goes over my head. I tend to be more on the negative side, way too often, I hurt people’s feelings with my words. I don’t understand how to properly socialize and fail when holding conversations – even with people I’ve known for a long time. Sometimes, I need people to explain stuff to me or I won’t catch on. The only thing that helped me is mimicking social actions I watch and things taught to me in therapy.

I understand that my diagnosis makes me a difficult person. I require patience, reassurance, explanations, and forgiveness. I’m not built for everyone. I’m an emotional person, who often overshares (and expects other people to do the same), I come across as more mean than kind, and I’m hard to love.

But I am not a terrible person, having Aspergers does not make me a bad person. It makes me different, so don’t put neurotypical expectations on someone who is NOT neurotypical.

I care, so much about people. I reach out, constantly, hoping to hear about your life. I collect objects as gifts or reminders of the people I love. I’d go to the ends of the earth to help or be there for someone else. I always have an ear, if something is going on. I always have a place to crash, if you needed one or wanted to get away. I’d literally do anything for the people that I love or I would die trying. And if trying isn’t enough, than I’m not for you, because I will keep learning, trying, forgiving, apologizing, and changing.

I will no longer be ashamed, or hide, who I am. I’m proud of who I am and how far I’ve come. I am also, LUCKY. I grew up with the best pair of parents that a girl could ever ask for. Who gave me everything that I ever needed, I was privileged to be able to go through speech therapy, social interaction therapy, emotion therapy, and empathy therapies to teach me to mask. I am thankful for a group of friends who are aware of my condition, embrace it, and work with me on it. I am blessed to be with a partner who loves me regardless, works with me, communicates with me, and is patient with me everyday and understands what I go through.

I accept those that will not be able to understand me, want to be around me, or will agree with anything I ever do or say. That’s fine, but no one will be able to belittle me the same way anymore. I’m proud of how far I’ve made it, it’s a work in progress. I love myself and I am enough.