I shouldn’t feel this way.

I allowed the people in my life to be put before me, and in turn, they learned that I put myself last. I lied down in front of their place, and became a weathered door mat.

The thing is, I care too much about what other people think of me, my thoughts or opinions, and the things that I do. It seemed easier to keep to myself and focus more on them, I was out of the spot light, and the attention was never on me…. and I wondered why I felt so lonely. I trusted people that I shouldn’t have and I believed in people who did not deserve it. And in the end, I did not get the love that I gave away back.

So, this is me picking myself up, dusting myself off, and leaving behind a life where I did not care about myself. I have to, for me, or I will allow myself to slip through the cracks. A fate that I will surely not recover from.

All that I have ever wanted in life, was to be happy. Genuinely happy. I want to be able to look at myself in my reflection without thinking negatively. I want to be able to not beat mysef up over small things. I want to be able to not worry so much. I want to be fearless. I want to love and be loved back unconditionally.

That means that I will have to be selfish. I will have to learn to put myself first, above everything else. And I will let my heart lead me where I need to go, instead of the footprints of my loved ones. I have to see where the path will take me or risk losing myself.

This one is for me.

She said watching me fall apart was like watching a car crash, all she could do was stand there and not look away and it hurt knowing that she was right, because here I am in the driver’s seat.

All I am trying to do is regain control of the car, to avoid more damage in this path that I have set off on, but I keep swirving into new obstacles and they watch me – unable to turn their gaze. Until the side of the road has turned into a musesum of my own self destruction, for everyone to see as they drive by my life.

I’m somewhere caught in the middle of doing all that I can and not trying enough. Given my current mental and physical state, how can I? I’m the equivalent of putting a bandaid on it saying, “There….there..” when these wounds are not visible. As if covering them and ignoring them will make them go away, instead they fester more unseen.

But right now, I’m going to let go. I’m going to let my car crash, however it may, and then I’ll get out and assess the damage. Without so, I’ll keep destroying things in attempt to gain control over something that is lost.

So watch me crash and finally understand what it means to be broken and put back together again by my own hands.

My biggest problem is loving the people who damage me because, in a way, I feel like I damage them too. I’d like to think that our broken pieces can fit perfectly together when they do not belong in the same picture. I realize that life is not as simple as a puzzle, but how would we treat life differently if we always had the final picture?

Often I feel like having a common ground is what aids me into getting closer to people and since I feel like a broken person, that is who I will seek out, someone who understands how I feel and why. Watching someone, anyone, go through something makes them seem more human. It allows the world to see the humility in someone, that our lives are not as perfect as we want people on social media to think.

Sometimes, I blame myself for not being who someone else wants me to be, but that shouldn’t matter. All that matters is you wake up every day and be the person that you are. It does not matter if you are the perfect friend, daughter, sister, girlfriend, wife, or stranger because even if you were the best, that doesn’t mean that they will treat you the way that you deserve to be treated. All we can do is try to treat people the way that they deserve, no more, no less. But sometimes you will fall and it’s okay, as long as you get back up again.

All we want in life, is happiness. However, we cannot truly get it until we are first happy with ourselves. We cannot love someone when we do not even love ourselves, we do not have the capacity. This is why self care is so important, we must discover love within ourselves, and then we can share it.

Otherwise, life has no purpose and I refuse to believe that I am living in the void, passing the time away until I am called home.

It was dark and cold and I had my sunglasses on. The wind blew fresh off of the water, making 41 degrees feel more like 20 – The sound of waves crashing fell in tune with my heart beats.

Eighteen floors above from a concrete grave, inviting me closer to the edge until my bare feet hung over. You could see for miles, the cities intertwined together, even in the dark.

Grasping the railing, my dreams came to life. Alone, I knew I could not leave this balcony – yet, my voice refused to call out.

Inside, I was warm. My body actively trying to sober me up and pain edged back into the night. Outside, my body shook from the cold, numbing my hands to the cool metal railing.

All at once, I collapsed into the safety of the balcony gripping onto the bars securely protecting me from stepping over. My body racked with sobs.

I left my sunglasses on, contorting my vision and making everything appear darker than it truly was. I took them off.

Your voice begins to fill my head, telling a story unwritten. Reminding me that it ust be finished. You told me to listen.

Maybe this time I will.

“It’s not about having time, it’s about taking time. “

I heard this quote today at a lecture and I really enjoyed the concept behind it.

Quite too often, we get swept away into our routines. Whether our schedules are cluttered with work, with school, with bills, or with house work, we don’t consider scheduling in the small things because our weekly schedules blind us. It makes them seem less important, when actually, they are more important.

When we need to make sure that we are taking time out of our day to take care of ourselves, to check up on friends, and to speak to the people that we love. Things like laundry or doing the dishes, can wait, because at the end of the day, your well being is more important than having a clean home.

Life happens so fast, it’d be a shame to miss it.

I’ve heard the phrase time and time again, that things need to fall apart before you put them back together, and I never really believed it until now. I paid too much attention to attempting to look put together, instead of actually allowing myself to heal.

Healing is an ugly process, there are days where giving up seems easier than taking care of myself. I had a habit of laying in bed all day, not feeding myself, not excercising, not socializing, and not doing the things that make me happy… I didn’t realize how important small things were to my survival.

And if I can’t take care of myself, I cannot properly take care of others. My friends will get neglected, my family, and even my dog. Taking care of myself means that I can take care of others, and that’s important.

It makes me happy, eating good food, playing soccer, playing fetch with my dog, spending time with my friends, seeing my family, socializing over a cup of coffee – so, I’m doing it. Just because I feel as if I don’t deserve it, doesn’t mean that happiness shouldn’t happen for me.

Self care is a priority, everything else comes next.

Not everything in my life is perfect, but I’m thankful for the things that managed to fall into place while some were miss placed.

It’s nice to know, at the end of the day, there is a home for me. No matter what happens, I can still walk through the door, be greeted by my dog happily wagging her tail, the sound of laughter coming from the kitchen, and be held by someone who thinks that I matter, even when I don’t.

So I choose to let go of the things that I cannot control, all the worry, all the saddness, it doesn’t matter anymore. I choose to be happy in this moment and the next because nothing is worth getting upset over when you are trying your best.