Energy can be defined as a dynamic quality, the capacity of acting or being physical, or a positive spiritual force. Everyone has energy, it’s whether or not they choose to use it.

And it’s disappointing when your energy is not reciprocated. When you give the energy that you have and instead of getting it back, it dissipates into thin air.

All of that time, all of your energy is gone and all you can do is hope that it was worth it.

I’m trying to chase them out of my head, these negative thoughts, but they keep coming back around again when I least expect it. And I wince as if someone just stabbed me. Mental pain leaves far worse scars than physical, dangerous because they can be hidden so well.

Redirecting them is a challenge, rubber bands can only do so much and I fear for the day that they are not enough. I strive for a day when they lay dusty inside a forgotten drawer. Out of sight, out of mind.

It all happens so fast. I’m smiling or laughing at something you said and it creates a ripple. One little thought starts a wave until they come crashing down on me. Until I have fought so long that I can no longer swim and I give in to a watery grave.

You try to keep me afloat, but I’m just trying to keep my head above the water.

I shouldn’t feel this way.

I allowed the people in my life to be put before me, and in turn, they learned that I put myself last. I lied down in front of their place, and became a weathered door mat.

The thing is, I care too much about what other people think of me, my thoughts or opinions, and the things that I do. It seemed easier to keep to myself and focus more on them, I was out of the spot light, and the attention was never on me…. and I wondered why I felt so lonely. I trusted people that I shouldn’t have and I believed in people who did not deserve it. And in the end, I did not get the love that I gave away back.

So, this is me picking myself up, dusting myself off, and leaving behind a life where I did not care about myself. I have to, for me, or I will allow myself to slip through the cracks. A fate that I will surely not recover from.

All that I have ever wanted in life, was to be happy. Genuinely happy. I want to be able to look at myself in my reflection without thinking negatively. I want to be able to not beat mysef up over small things. I want to be able to not worry so much. I want to be fearless. I want to love and be loved back unconditionally.

That means that I will have to be selfish. I will have to learn to put myself first, above everything else. And I will let my heart lead me where I need to go, instead of the footprints of my loved ones. I have to see where the path will take me or risk losing myself.

This one is for me.

She said watching me fall apart was like watching a car crash, all she could do was stand there and not look away and it hurt knowing that she was right, because here I am in the driver’s seat.

All I am trying to do is regain control of the car, to avoid more damage in this path that I have set off on, but I keep swirving into new obstacles and they watch me – unable to turn their gaze. Until the side of the road has turned into a musesum of my own self destruction, for everyone to see as they drive by my life.

I’m somewhere caught in the middle of doing all that I can and not trying enough. Given my current mental and physical state, how can I? I’m the equivalent of putting a bandaid on it saying, “There….there..” when these wounds are not visible. As if covering them and ignoring them will make them go away, instead they fester more unseen.

But right now, I’m going to let go. I’m going to let my car crash, however it may, and then I’ll get out and assess the damage. Without so, I’ll keep destroying things in attempt to gain control over something that is lost.

So watch me crash and finally understand what it means to be broken and put back together again by my own hands.