I am a creature of habit, therefore, I repeat shows nonstop and I never get tired of it. I am a Friends addict, anything that I do – it’s on in the background and then I mimic some of the lines. I recently started rewatching it again after I finished George Lopez.

I decided to rewatch old tv shows that I use to love to watch as a kid. I watched The Nanny before George Lopez too, I ran out of ideas so I started Friends up once again.

I’m actively watching it now, as I soak my poor sore legs in the tub with epsom salt. I am day dreaming of this weekend.

We are having a weekend get away, just the two of us and the dogs in a cabin. It’s only an hour away but I am super excited to be cuddled up and spending solo time together.

Since we have been married, we have not really had a time away like this together. We are constantly with my brother, or friends, or family. (Which isn’t a bad thing by any means – but I need us time!)

I am sitting here running a checklist through my head imagining what I need for this weekend, clothes wise, hiking and stuff for the dogs.

I’m hoping the weather will permit us to go hiking and spend some time outside, but staying in wouldn’t hurt otherwise. I think the dogs will enjoy it as well.

I’ll have a glass of champagne this weekend as well, just to celebrate us trying for kids. My first glass of anything since the new year.

Let me tell you, it’s been rough but I’m glad that I have made it through. Despite the pregnancy accusations, the hard days, and the temptation of Margaritas. I’m still beyond proud I made that goal for myself and I’m achieving it on my own terms.

I’m really looking forward to leaving tomorrow, can’t hardly wait!!

Last night, I passed out before 9:45pm. My goal every night is to be asleep before 10pm because I need all the energy in the morning to get through my long days. My arms were barely sore this morning, but, excuse my language – goddamn do my legs hurt already.

This morning we did legs and my thighs are already sore, I’m honestly scared for how they are going to feel tomorrow. Tomorrow, I am last in and will have to be at work until 5:30pm…. I think I may melt on the floor, especially since it is a surgery day.

I am very proud that I am sore from the gym. It just lets me know that I am doing work and getting results.

On the other hand, I love my new pots and pans. I have not struggled since we upgraded (and Brandon hasn’t found where I hid the other ones – or the plant I took home…it’s been almost a month lol). My pots and pans make me excited to try new recipes out and they have been great so far. I made homemade tomato soup – so good. I would absolutely throw that in my regular rotation.

Life is pretty good this week. I am super excited and counting down the days that we head off to our weekend get away. We need some us time!

Getting up before 6 AM is killing me. Yet by the time that I drink my pre-workout and it kicks in I’m so glad that I get up and make it to the gym. I think that it’s easier when you have somebody to keep you motivated and you know That you can rely on.

But even after my workout on certain days, if V has to go in before me, I make sure that I utilize that additional 20 minutes wisely. (most of the time I end up right back on the treadmill). When I played soccer running used to be a punishment if we lost a scrimmage if we had a bad game if we’re not playing tour potential. And here I am over and over again picking to run.

I think that, even though it felt like a punishment, then now I use it as a way to clear my head. If I’m upset, if I’m overthinking, if I want to keep going, but I’ve exhausted my weight lifting abilities for the day I’ve always chose to run.

While I was running on the treadmill this morning, I just chuckled at myself because I think I’ve always been a runner. In relationships and I’ve always enjoyed running which I thought was ironic. I think my half marathon days are long gone, but it’s a nice nod to who I used to be when I was younger. Although running them now doesn’t seem as bad, probably because if I did sign up for it I would actually train unlike when I was a kid.

I wanted to beat my personal record this morning by running a mile under 10 minutes but the closest that I got was 10 minutes in 10 seconds. Which in theory isn’t bad but it frustrates me just a little bit. I don’t think I pressed it as hard as I normally would because I know tomorrow is leg day and I don’t want to be burnt out

Even though I get up this early in the morning to go to the gym and make sure I have enough time to get ready for work before leaving after I get back home I feel no motivation and I’m scared for the days where I’m not gonna be able to take pre-work out.

Or even the days that I can no longer have coffee on the weekend. I have cut coffee out during the week for the most part. I honestly only do that because I have pre-workout in the morning and I’m terrified that my heart will explode, I know this is an irrational fear, but it keeps me from drinking more caffeine. I try to reward myself with one of the poppy sodas at lunch. I don’t think it has caffeine in it, but it’s a nice little midday treat.

Everybody cross your fingers and hope that I stay a functioning human being until later. Because I know I’m gonna turn into the crabby monster around six you guys should also probably think about my poor husband who has to deal with me when he gets home ha ha.

I’m not going to lie (I’m honestly going to be VERY truthful right now and take advantage of the fat that my family doesn’t read my blog) – all I am thinking about is babies. You see, we are officially trying and I cannot contain my excitement.

I’ve been crocheting all of these baby blankets, and we have been talking more and more about having a family and what we would want to name them or imagine what they will be like.

No matter what happens, I know you cannot choose your children. We will love them. But if I had squeezed out a boy who looked just like Brandon – I think I would have died and gone to heaven. I want his mini-me so bad.

All I have to say is: Why is this process so long and tedious? (It really isn’t, but 3- 6 months to conceive feels like forever). I went to my GYNO last week to talk about getting ready for kids, and she told me that I am doing everything right. Exercising and eating right, I stopped drinking, smoking, or taking drugs, and she chuckled when she saw my BMI because I was scared I wouldn’t be able to conceive (Family history and past experiences).

I thought I was pregnant last month, I woke up in the morning every day for a week and I was getting sick. That is when I found out my gallbladder was messing up (Still doing well – no further issues); they did a test there, and I was negative. A few days later, when my period was late and I was still getting sick just in the morning. I took an at-home test, and it was negative, then my visitor came with a vengeance.

So I am just going to keep drinking my cranberry juice (I’m addicted, and it’s good for my urinary tract health), and I’ll keep peeing on sticks until my LH is high and that pregnancy test is positive.

Last night was a bad night for me. All day, I felt congested, and my throat began to hurt. All I wanted to do was lie down and not move. But we went to dinner to celebrate my Husband’s stepdad’s birthday. Afterwards they all went over to the house, I went home.

Naturally, I felt left out. I was the only one in the house, I didn’t feel well and I didn’t want to be alone – yet there I was. I guess I could have went, but I think I would have been equally miserable.

They were all in the bar room, laughing, drinking, and playing pool/darts. Having a good time without me, I did not get a single text asking how I was feeling or that they missed me and I just felt bad.

I understand that this is a product of overthinking and not feeling well (Plus cold medication?) But I always feel sometimes I am the last person people think of.

I do not think that I am the favorite friend, or daughter, or partner. I just feel like I exist outside of everything. For once, I wish that I felt like I was someone’s number one.

I spent the majority of the time crying until I decided it was time to go to bed. I tried to read, I just got through one chapter, I tried to journal and doodle – nothing came out right. No one came home until around 11pm.

Honestly, this morning isn’t the best either. My head hurts, I am still crying, and I need to try to find peace.

Or at least work on the second baby blanket some more, at least I got one down!

This morning, I decided to sleep and have breakfast with my husband. He ran to Cafe 19 (which has my favorite coffee flavor ever, go nutty). It was his idea, and taking a day off from the gym wasn’t the worst. My body is still killing me from this week at the gym.

Today, after work, we go to my parents’ house to discuss family matters. I won’t go into detail, but this will not be a happy visit by any means. I am not excited, I’ve been avoiding thinking about it ever since my father gave us bad news last weekend. I’m scared that it will hit me and at dinner I will be balling.

On a happier note, I am making progress with the baby blankets; I figured I overbought the yarn for my coworker’s blanket, and I was going to use some of the colors in each of the blankets so that they do not go to waste. Not that I would ever waste them, they would just live on my shelf until I figured out what to utilize them for. Let’s just say green is a good color.

I will try to make a big dent in them this weekend. We have to go over to my husband’s parents for his stepdad’s birthday, so I figured I would work on them while we mingle.

I am not mentally prepared to be social by any means this weekend. I just want to lie on my couch and keep to myself. Maybe you can attempt to play some video games this weekend. Although I have a strong craving to redesign our games room so that it is a cozy from for both of us. It is difficult with my Leopard Geckos being in there.

Maybe I can find a way to make it work? #I want a cozy couch to slouch on in there!

I’m so exhausted. These past few days, I do not know if I just went hard in the gym and then hard at work, but I have been coming home and wanting to crash by 8:30 p.m. I have absolutely no motivation for anything after work, which is bad considering I have four baby blankets to complete, and I am still on the first one.

My mother also asked me if I would be interested in selling some of the things that I make if they opened a crafting booth. That would be nice. I do have a lot of projects that I start and finish for no reason at all, and it would be nice to get cash back from my hobbies. I am trying to think of a clever name to sell them under – Porter Projects? I’ll have to think of more.

V is working out after work tomorrow, so that leaves me with two choices: Workout at home in our home gym or go to Planet Fitness on my own. I am debating going by myself so that I can feel more comfortable in the gym. V left me to run to the bathroom, and I felt self-conscious trying to do face pulls on a machine – yet, I did it. That gave me a sense of pride.

I know that going to the gym alone isn’t a big deal, but it is the little things that matter to me. One small step for man, one giant leap for my anxiety.

Anyways, back to crocheting and thinking of a better name to sell these with.