I’m not going to lie (I’m honestly going to be VERY truthful right now and take advantage of the fat that my family doesn’t read my blog) – all I am thinking about is babies. You see, we are officially trying and I cannot contain my excitement.

I’ve been crocheting all of these baby blankets, and we have been talking more and more about having a family and what we would want to name them or imagine what they will be like.

No matter what happens, I know you cannot choose your children. We will love them. But if I had squeezed out a boy who looked just like Brandon – I think I would have died and gone to heaven. I want his mini-me so bad.

All I have to say is: Why is this process so long and tedious? (It really isn’t, but 3- 6 months to conceive feels like forever). I went to my GYNO last week to talk about getting ready for kids, and she told me that I am doing everything right. Exercising and eating right, I stopped drinking, smoking, or taking drugs, and she chuckled when she saw my BMI because I was scared I wouldn’t be able to conceive (Family history and past experiences).

I thought I was pregnant last month, I woke up in the morning every day for a week and I was getting sick. That is when I found out my gallbladder was messing up (Still doing well – no further issues); they did a test there, and I was negative. A few days later, when my period was late and I was still getting sick just in the morning. I took an at-home test, and it was negative, then my visitor came with a vengeance.

So I am just going to keep drinking my cranberry juice (I’m addicted, and it’s good for my urinary tract health), and I’ll keep peeing on sticks until my LH is high and that pregnancy test is positive.

Last night was a bad night for me. All day, I felt congested, and my throat began to hurt. All I wanted to do was lie down and not move. But we went to dinner to celebrate my Husband’s stepdad’s birthday. Afterwards they all went over to the house, I went home.

Naturally, I felt left out. I was the only one in the house, I didn’t feel well and I didn’t want to be alone – yet there I was. I guess I could have went, but I think I would have been equally miserable.

They were all in the bar room, laughing, drinking, and playing pool/darts. Having a good time without me, I did not get a single text asking how I was feeling or that they missed me and I just felt bad.

I understand that this is a product of overthinking and not feeling well (Plus cold medication?) But I always feel sometimes I am the last person people think of.

I do not think that I am the favorite friend, or daughter, or partner. I just feel like I exist outside of everything. For once, I wish that I felt like I was someone’s number one.

I spent the majority of the time crying until I decided it was time to go to bed. I tried to read, I just got through one chapter, I tried to journal and doodle – nothing came out right. No one came home until around 11pm.

Honestly, this morning isn’t the best either. My head hurts, I am still crying, and I need to try to find peace.

Or at least work on the second baby blanket some more, at least I got one down!

This morning, I decided to sleep and have breakfast with my husband. He ran to Cafe 19 (which has my favorite coffee flavor ever, go nutty). It was his idea, and taking a day off from the gym wasn’t the worst. My body is still killing me from this week at the gym.

Today, after work, we go to my parents’ house to discuss family matters. I won’t go into detail, but this will not be a happy visit by any means. I am not excited, I’ve been avoiding thinking about it ever since my father gave us bad news last weekend. I’m scared that it will hit me and at dinner I will be balling.

On a happier note, I am making progress with the baby blankets; I figured I overbought the yarn for my coworker’s blanket, and I was going to use some of the colors in each of the blankets so that they do not go to waste. Not that I would ever waste them, they would just live on my shelf until I figured out what to utilize them for. Let’s just say green is a good color.

I will try to make a big dent in them this weekend. We have to go over to my husband’s parents for his stepdad’s birthday, so I figured I would work on them while we mingle.

I am not mentally prepared to be social by any means this weekend. I just want to lie on my couch and keep to myself. Maybe you can attempt to play some video games this weekend. Although I have a strong craving to redesign our games room so that it is a cozy from for both of us. It is difficult with my Leopard Geckos being in there.

Maybe I can find a way to make it work? #I want a cozy couch to slouch on in there!

I’m so exhausted. These past few days, I do not know if I just went hard in the gym and then hard at work, but I have been coming home and wanting to crash by 8:30 p.m. I have absolutely no motivation for anything after work, which is bad considering I have four baby blankets to complete, and I am still on the first one.

My mother also asked me if I would be interested in selling some of the things that I make if they opened a crafting booth. That would be nice. I do have a lot of projects that I start and finish for no reason at all, and it would be nice to get cash back from my hobbies. I am trying to think of a clever name to sell them under – Porter Projects? I’ll have to think of more.

V is working out after work tomorrow, so that leaves me with two choices: Workout at home in our home gym or go to Planet Fitness on my own. I am debating going by myself so that I can feel more comfortable in the gym. V left me to run to the bathroom, and I felt self-conscious trying to do face pulls on a machine – yet, I did it. That gave me a sense of pride.

I know that going to the gym alone isn’t a big deal, but it is the little things that matter to me. One small step for man, one giant leap for my anxiety.

Anyways, back to crocheting and thinking of a better name to sell these with.

I wish that I could crawl back into bed this morning, my limbs are so sore from the gym but I had to get up and get motivated. I got up, took my pre workout, and immediately felt better.

The mornings are always harder on me, for whatever reason, trying to find the strength to stand up and get ready for the day is hard. I just feel so groggy and it’s harder to kick.

But I am proud of myself, I got up despite wanting to sleep in and I went to the gym with V. Now, I am at my doctor’s appointment to talk about babies (my uterus is screaming happy thoughts).

I sorted out my insurance yesterday, I made appointments for general health. I realize that this is just daily adult stuff you have to deal with, but I’m still proud. It’s the little things, really.

The only thing I’d wish went well was the shower at the gym, I was almost done washing myself when I realized the water was cold because I didn’t understand I had to switch the handle all the way after I turned it on. (lol). It was not strategic and I do not know how people function in that small of a space. But, I won’t shower there everyday, so one day it won’t be a big deal.

After my appointment, I plan on running home and eating breakfast (I forgot my protein bar…damn). My stomach is not bothering me today, so fingers crossed that the antibiotics took care of my gallbladder.

I’m currently laying in the table thinking of cuddling my dogs.

This morning, I got up to go to Planet Fitness with Vanessa. I slept well, but I had a hard time getting myself to sleep and then staying asleep. To be fair, I went to bed late since I had to shower and shave – I have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow morning; who wants to go to the doctor’s with hairy legs? (Not me.) I can’t do it today since I have a nail appointment tonight.

We did chest and Triceps this morning. I had requested it, and honestly, I did a lot better than I thought I was going to. The only arm workouts I really knew how to do at home were with the weights. We have a machine that I use as well—however, I need more experience to understand that I can do these workouts at home. My machine just looks slightly different.

V is always so good at continually cheering me on or helping correct my form when I work out. She really stepped up and helped me grow as a person because I felt like a complete newbie walking into the gym for the first time in forever. It truly was day 0 for me.

I believe that I am learning a lot and taking on more than I thought I would. V keeps telling me how proud she is of me. I feel bad because I only tend to build her up if she doubts herself. (I will take a mental note just to make sure that I am lifting her up as much as she does to me).

She had to be at work earlier than I had to, so when she went to shower, I jumped on the treadmill. I told myself I would only run a mile, but I was doing so well I pushed myself to 2 miles and did a walk cool down. I felt so proud of myself for pushing to keep running. I felt thoroughly worked out and exhausted.

I look forward to keep going hard at the gym and seeing the results. (I know you don’t see results immediately – but I swear if you looked at my thighs, they look more toned).

Keep my arms in your mind. They are like noodles. RIP.