Author: looogaaaaaanwrites

Welcome to a collection of my thoughts, here is where I let my ink spill and learn to love myself a little more. I first started writing when I was in fifth grade to cope with depression and anxiety, and now every journal I own is filled cover to cover. I believe that writing connects people and I look forward to connecting with you!

Vacant

On By looogaaaaaanwritesIn Dark skiesLeave a comment

I can see in their eyes that they’re worried, but there is nothing I could say to dismiss their fears. Not when my own mind carries the same concerns.

I hear it in their voice when they call my name out and my mind is too far away. I see it in their eyes when they search my face for some form of emotion. I feel it when they rub my back in attempt to make me feel better.

But I’m vacant. I’m lost somewhere between where my brain produces thoughts and where my mouth tries to form words.

And when I’ve fallen back on silence I can hear Dr. Edgar’s words, “who do you live for, if not yourself?”

And I repeat those names.

Over and over.

Anxiety

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And there’s that feeling again sinking into my bones, something is wrong. Static runs through my nerves keeping me up at night, zapping me with new found fears, reminding me of old ones, and I curl underneath my blanket for safety. I will not move until my fears have subsided.

Leaving, I’ve never liked the term, it never suggests returning. Even if it was a promise, it cannot be guaranteed. It’s a chance you’re taking and not many people think about it like I do.

My safe place is here, under a pile of blankets, wrapped up with you on a cold night, listening to the gentle snores emitting from your sleeping body, and our favorite tv show in the back ground. It’s hard to leave that idea inside of my head.

It’s crippling to be so far out of reach, it makes me want to hide within myself. To try and keep my anxiety and depression contained, as if it will reflect harm on those close to me. I’ll have no escape, 600 miles away from comfort and no covers to hide under.

Home was never a place to me, it’s a feeling.

A New Path

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I never expected rock bottom to hurt this much, honestly I thought it would have killed me, but here I am still standing with borrowed legs. I tried to push people away from me and I ended up falling down, thinking it was the end, the end of all ends.

And I’m happy to see how wrong I was. I may have jumped from a cliff, but I did not jump alone. The people who truly loved me were with me all along, they didn’t dare leave me when I yelled at them to do so.

I lost my way, I was following the shadows on the ground until I stumbled into darkness. I wasn’t listening to where my feet wanted to go, or where my heart told me home was.

I still don’t know where I am going, but I know that I am on the right path.

Sink Or Swim

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I cannot see what others see in me, It’s a constant battle to stay above water.

I get told that I am beautiful, my eyes are such a rich blue and stare nothing but kindess back at them. I am told that I am funny, always able to joke around and make other people laugh especially when they are sad. I get told that I am a great person who is always there when people need a helping hand, a shoulder to cry on, some good advice, or to be picked up when they are down. I get told that I am smart and have a good head on my shoulders. All these things, and no idea how to tell if they are true.

Despite what I am told, I still hate myself. And how sad is that? To give everything that you have and more, to not be enough. I do not see the beauty that they speak about, or the brains. I don’t believe that I possess any of the wonderful personality traits that people asign to me, but I would love to.

Some how, it feels like I do not deserve the people in my life. And at some point, they will just leave. Because some day, they will wake up and see me as I see myself. I see myself as this mess, this mistake. This person who stumbles through life attempting to do good for the world and failing, over and over again. I see the ugliness in my temper, in my depression, in my anxiety, and even in my smile. And for whatever reason, I am fighting off the waves of saddness attempting to drown me. And it seems that I am trying too hard for the benefit of others and not myself.

For a long time now, the question really has been, “To sink or swim?” and honestly, I might as well just drown.

Energy

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Energy can be defined as a dynamic quality, the capacity of acting or being physical, or a positive spiritual force. Everyone has energy, it’s whether or not they choose to use it.

And it’s disappointing when your energy is not reciprocated. When you give the energy that you have and instead of getting it back, it dissipates into thin air.

All of that time, all of your energy is gone and all you can do is hope that it was worth it.

Negative Thoughts

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I’m trying to chase them out of my head, these negative thoughts, but they keep coming back around again when I least expect it. And I wince as if someone just stabbed me. Mental pain leaves far worse scars than physical, dangerous because they can be hidden so well.

Redirecting them is a challenge, rubber bands can only do so much and I fear for the day that they are not enough. I strive for a day when they lay dusty inside a forgotten drawer. Out of sight, out of mind.

It all happens so fast. I’m smiling or laughing at something you said and it creates a ripple. One little thought starts a wave until they come crashing down on me. Until I have fought so long that I can no longer swim and I give in to a watery grave.

You try to keep me afloat, but I’m just trying to keep my head above the water.